divorce360.com provides help, advice and community for people
contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it,
including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues.

after-divorce  :: parenting
Print
Email
You cannot forbid your former partner to form another relationship.

Spouse Having Sleepovers


Spouse Having Sleepovers


Legal: What You Can Control When Spouse's New Partner Spends the Night


By LENORE SKOMAL

    No. It’s the resounding answer to the question: Should you have a member of the opposite sex spend the night while you are divorcing, or even newly divorced?

 “If there are children involved, overnight guests are a no-no,” said Kathy Stafford, 50, relationship coach and author of “Relationship Remorse” (Eplanet Publishing) based in Charlotte, N.C. “Children do not and should not have to deal with an endless stream of ‘new dads’ or ‘new moms.’ If you want to have a sexual relationship with someone new, that's OK. Just don't do it with the kids at home.”   


And in her opinion, it doesn’t matter how old they are. “Children of any age are traumatized enough by the separation of their parents. I know that a lot of my clients say, ‘But my kids are older and they understand about sex. They know I like to have a sexual relationship.’ While that might be true, just remember the example that you are setting is that it’s OK to have sex with people you aren’t married to. I think that is a bad example to set. Monkey see monkey do.”    

But morality aside, there are more pressing legal implications to consider when entertaining overnight guests while your children are in the house, especially if you are just separated and dealing with custodial issues.   

“It’s never a good idea, but not even for the moral reasons or even the kids. I am thinking of it from a litigious point of view. We have had many cases that we have surveilled and that can be brought to light during the litigation and can jeopardize child support,” said Thomas Martin, 63, a private investigator and former FBI agent from Newport Beach, Calif. “You have to remember, at least in California, if you have someone stay overnight for three nights, and they don’t have to be consecutive, that can be considered co-habitating.”    

And if there is a clause in your agreement or divorce decree that ties alimony or child support to cohabitation or can financially penalize you for having another adult sharing your living space, all of that can be jeopardized. And it might also cause some problems with your custody of your children.   

“I would caution the client in terms of custodial issues down the road that it is not good judgment if you start having a trail of people through your house,” agreed Judy Poller, partner and chair of the matrimonial department at Dreier LLP, a Manhattan-based law firm. “You are actually harming your child. And I would be concerned if there were such issues between the parents that there was always going to be a concern about whether there could be good joint decision making regarding the kids.”    

Even if it isn’t a revolving door of men or women running through your bedroom, it makes a difference. A steady relationship so early on might also color your divorce. “Say you are with someone on a fixed basis, you will be asked by a psychologist to bring that person in for an evaluation in child custody hearings,” said Daniela E. Schreier, 37, a licensed clinical psychologist and assistant professor of the Chicago School based in Illinois, who has a background in forensics and works within the court system with custody evaluations. “This person has to come in to be evaluated. And we just had a case where an ex-husband came back and contested because his ex-wife hadn’t told the truth about the fact she was dating one man, and he had stayed over the house, spent weekends together and the kids were in his constant company. We had to reevaluate.”   

While it doesn’t do much good to lie to the courts about having a significant relationship especially during separation, it might be even worse to keep it from your soon-to-be- ex, especially if that person has control issues. If the relationship was abusive at any level, sleeping with another person might be the trigger for more violence. “For the control-freak-soon-to-be-ex-husband, it can create heavy duty jealousy issues,” Martin said.   

“Yes, be careful and mindful because you are still in that relationship especially if you live in what was the shared residence,” said Schreier, who also specializes in dealing with relationships between controlling spouses and their partners. “You have the house but it also is your ex’s house. And sometimes that is how he views it. Does he still have the keys? If you were married to a possessive and jealous man, you don’t want him to walk in on you with someone else. What if he hires a private detective? If he is a controlling person, this will inflame him and could possibly lead to rage and violence directed against you. Even if he is not controling, why give him more ammunition?”    

Page: 1 2 Last


divorce New this week::

The Truth About 'Divorce-Proofing' And 'Affair-Proofing' Your Marriage - What none of the so-called relationship/marriage experts is willing to admit

 

Divorce Survival: 5 Tips For Making It Through That First Year - Think you'll never feel normal again?

 

5 Keys to Co-Parenting Success After Divorce - It won't always be easy

 

divorce Community::
popular blogs
get/give answers
Can we both sign releases for our stock, pension & 401K
Hi, My stbex and I agreed that we will not split our stocks, pention or 401k....Read Answers/share yours 

Told stbex I don't want my kids to go out of the counrty while we are in the divoice process
Hi, We have filed for divoice and have a hearing date in August. When we...Read Answers/share yours 

INTIMIDATING LAW ENFORCE HUSBAND
My STBex left our home, physically, over a year ago, after numerous...Read Answers/share yours 

expert Q&As
Faith Therapy : Does a Separation Work?
My Husband and I Are Having Trouble. Is It a Good Idea for Us to Separate?...read more 

Stress Relief: Tips to Help after Separation
Mental Health: Overwhelmed by Changes in Household Routine. What Should I do?...read more 

About Law: Do Divorce Kits Work?
Legal: What You Should Consider When You Think About Divorcing Using a Kit...read more 


expand information center
divorce360.com's ecards
ADVERTISING PARTNERS

Find divorce professionals in your area

Find lawyers
Find financial professionals
Find coaches
divorce focused content ::
divorce most popular ::
1. Could They Be Cheating?
11 Signs You Can Look Out For Today

2. Why Do Spouses Cheat?
Infidelity: Experts Say Men Want Sex, Women Want Emotional Support

3. Are You Reading Your Spouses Text Messages?
Stop! It May Be Illegal & May Hurt Your Case

4. Eager To Check Those Texts?
Think your Spouse is Cheating? Professionals Can Check Text Messages

5. 8 Things No One Ever Tells You about Divorce
Number Three May Surprise You