Single Parenting: Sibling Conflict and Divorce

Q:  “Why can’t our kids just get along? Why must they always fight?” 

A: Parents get tired of the bickering, teasing, competing and ongoing provocation between their children that’s always going on. They can’t understand why their children won’t stay off each other’s case, get out of each other’s way, leave each other alone, and just be friends. Sibling conflict is just an additional and unnecessary source of family stress. “Who needs it?” parents ask. The answer is “the children do.” 

Fighting is not a sign of children not getting along. It is how they get along – using conflict to test their power, establish differences, and ventilate emotion with a familiar family adversary. Conflict from sibling rivalry is built into family life as children compete for dominance, parental attention, parental support, and household resources. Who gets what? Who does what? Who goes first? Who gets most? Who’s right? Who’s best? Unless your children are eight to 10 years apart in age, there will be sibling rivalry between them. And even then, older child will probably resent the younger for getting away with more, getting given more, and being allowed to do more than older child was at younger child’s age. While the much younger child will resent the older for acting like another parent.    

No wonder so many couples now elect to have an only child. They don’t have to listen to all the sibling arguments, break up all the sibling spats, or worry about dividing the parental attention and resources they have to give. Of course, the downside of being an only child is often manifest in significant adult relationships later on. By missing out on the rough and tumble of sibling warfare, the young adult only child may be woefully inexperienced with the complexity of sharing, and have a low tolerance and limited understanding for how to deal with conflict.