Single Parenting: Letting Go of Resentment

    For former marriage partners, there are two grievances divorce can commonly engender depending on the role in divorce she or he has played. There is the role of the divorce initiator and there is the role of the divorce reactor. Each role carries its own potential for pain.
    
If a single parent was initiator of divorce, deciding to end the marriage in order to begin a happier life, there can be the grievance of guilt over causing suffering to one's children (and to one’s spouse). If the single parent was reactor to divorce, left to cope with feelings of loss and betrayal, there can be the grievance of resentment at being cast aside, perhaps for another, perhaps left with responsibility for the children's emotional healing and primary care. 
    
It can be hard for the divorce initiator to forgive herself or himself for causing the children pain. It can be hard for the divorce reactor to forgive the ex-spouse for injury abandonment has done. Yet it is only through forgiveness that the burdens of guilt and resentment can be lifted. 


THE GRIEVANCE OF GUILT 

Guilt arises from blaming oneself for a failure, regret, or wrongdoing. Guilt can either be constructive or destructive. In divorce, constructive guilt accepts responsibility for knowingly making a personal decision for one's personal happiness that will cause sorrow to one’s children. Denying this responsibility would not only be dishonest, it might encourage confused children to blame themselves for the breakup of the marriage. To various degrees, children pay emotional costs for parental divorce -- grief from divorce at first, then having divided family contact with parents ever after.