Mother's Day after Divorce

6. What to do if mom isn't around.
If it’s mom who no longer has an active role in the children’s lives, Mother’s Day can be tough. Don’t force your children to talk about this, but give openings, and follow their lead.  When the subject does come up, help them not to feel ashamed or afraid that there’s something wrong with them. “For whatever reason, some mothers go off because they’re not happy or not well. The most important thing is to tell your child it’s not their fault and remind them best thing she ever did was help them come to this planet. Even when they’ve failed us miserably, most people are doing the best they can with the resources they have,” said Ellis.    

7. Enlist the aid of others. 
“Mother’s Day is very meaningful and very important to the mother. Particularly for the first two or three years after a divorce, mothers especially need to feel loved and cared for by their children. Their self-esteem is often shattered by the divorce and now a lot of it rests on her children’s love, affection, and respect. So, it’s nice for grandparents or good friends or someone in the extended family to make sure Mother’s Day happens. It wouldn’t hurt if the churches took this seriously and helped encourage the children to do what children in intact families do,” said Dr. Wallerstein. 

So, if Dad isn’t up to helping the kids get ready, ask for help. If your child’s school is doing arts and crafts, give your child’s teachers a heads up. If no one steps up to the plate, mom can take responsibility. Put it on the table in a low-key way. “We’ve got a tough one coming up. I know you love me. But this year, let’s keep things simple. How about we rent a movie, have a pizza delivered or pick up some Chinese and just enjoy the day?” The point is to take the pressure off everyone and create some good memories.    

8. Develop new traditions and rituals. 
The first one is always the hardest because it’s out of the mold you established as a family. As you develop new traditions, healing comes. “The children are missing the fun times. Give them that gift,” said Dr. Post Senning. “The main point is everything changes. Five years later, that father may not be the one whose role it is to establish the traditions in that family. He’ll be developing his own traditions. In the first year or two, if he’s able to help show respect for mom, it’s awesome. But, it’s still going to be a little bit up to mom. So, ask the kids, ‘How do we want to do things like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day?”    

9. Show consideration for the former mother-in-law. 
She may be your ex mother-in-law, but she is still the grandmother of your children. If she had a good relationship with your children before the divorce, consider continuing some of the ways you included each other in this celebration. On the other hand, if she was the mother-in-law from hell and she’s bashing you to your kids, you’re not required to reach out to her. “You cannot reconstruct extended families after divorce and maintain them in the same way you can in an intact family,” Dr. Wallerstein, cautions. “However, grandmothers are often even more important after divorce.” So, respect her relationship with your children by not standing in the way if your children want to honor her on Mother’s Day.    

10. Deal with the “next” in a way that doesn’t put the children in the middle. 
Adultery is the number one reason for divorce. So, if she was the reason the marriage broke up, we know how you feel about the girlfriend. If she’s moved in and has an active role in your children’s lives, you’re in a tough spot when it comes to Mother’s Day. If Dad’s really moved on and re-married, dealing with the stepmom can require all the manners you’ve got. “If the kids come home and say we got this great present for the step mom and mom didn’t realize the relationship was there, it can be very political and open up some new wounds,” said Ellis.  

Sometimes, the children will want to make a special gesture. However, if dad wants to require his children to take that on to validate the relationship, that puts pressure on kids. It might be in his interest or the girlfriend or stepmom’s interest, but is it in the kid’s interest? So, parents need to talk about this in advance. Dr. Wallerstein agrees, “If children have a stepmom and a biological mother who are actively involved in parenting, Mother’s Day can be problem. There’s no question the priority should be given to the biological mother. On other hand, the stepmom may be very devoted and would be in considerable pain if she’s ignored. Meanwhile, there’s considerable pain for the mother if the stepmother shares the day. This is one of the inherent conflicts in remarriage. If the two women get along, it’s easier. If they’re rivals, which they often are because resources are limited or they live in entirely different economic situations, things are complicated. If the women are wise and able to do so, they might have a conversation about this several weeks before about how this day is going to work for the children, especially if they’re little.”    

Using these tips can help you put your best foot forward after divorce. “Even though they’re full of emotions and anger, parents don’t have the luxury of putting the kids in the middle. You have to be there for them. It’s hugely difficult, but, kids can’t be the one to carry the load. The good news is many, many people do this very effectively and well. Draw on other family or friends. You don’t have to do it alone,” said Dr. Post Senning.  


FOR MORE INFORMATION

Click here to see a video journal about Mother's Day as a single parent.

Click here to read a journal about celebrating Mother's Day after divorce.

Click here to read a journal about letting someone else take care of your children on Mother's Day.

Click here to read a personal journal about the difficulties of going through Mother's Day after divorce.

Click here to read community advice about Mother's Day after divorce. 

Click here to to view a video about missing your former mother-in-law on Mother's Day.



Laurie S. Moison (Hall) has written for newspapers in Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, and Washington, D. C. Author of four books, including "An Affair of the Mind," she has lectured nationally on sexuality, forgiveness, ethics and spirituality. She can be reached at lhall@together.net.