Most Stepfamilies Are Not 'The Brady Bunch'

From the beginning, Elaine and Gary Brattain said their kids -- his two sons and one daughter and her son and daughter -- in their own need to survive the situation probably didn't know or care about the challenges their parents faced. Their family backgrounds and parenting styles were different. They grappled with lingering issues about previous relationships. They struggled with financial burdens, such as alimony and child support, brought on by previous divorces.   

Like a death or other major loss in life, it took several years after their divorces and then their remarriage for the Brattains and their children to begin healing. "We weren't going to lie to them about anything, the realities of how difficult life and marriage are," Elaine says. "I think they got a lot of security from that."   "Our motivation tended to lean towards, 'this isn't just about us ... it's about the other people, the kids and the family system that you're marrying into," Gary says.    A photo shows a baseball team in the making as the family has grown over the years.

The Brattains now have 10 grandchildren, three daughters-in-law and two sons-in-law. (A few months after the picture was taken in 2003, Gary's son, Joel, died while serving in Iraq.)  "We've invested a lot in kind of identifying things," Gary says. "What makes it work is probably commitment."

Maria Moya is an award-winning writer who has worked at newspapers in several states. She can be reached at m.moya@divorce360.com.


TIPS TO HELP WITH STEPFAMILIES

1. Put your marriage first. It’s the foundation of your stepfamily.
2. Support your children’s need to have a relationship with their other biological parent.
3. Non-custodial parents remain a part of your children’s lives.
4. Never badmouth your former partner to your children.
5. Relationships between stepparents and stepchildren take time to blossom.
6. Celebrations and holidays call for flexibility and creativity.
7. Discuss and clarify all money issues early, preferably prior to remarriage.
8. Adults agree on how to run the household and establish a “united front.”
9. Build strong, clear communication with respect and civility.
10. Face all feelings fearlessly. Talk about them and you’ll grow closer.
    -- Source: Elizabeth Einstein, stepfamilyliving.com

TIPS FOR BIOLOGICAL PARENT:

* Create structure at home.
* Establish clear rules and consequences.
* Let kids have a say in the rules.
* Act the way you want your children to behave.
* Let your children express their feelings openly.
* Take time to be alone together as a couple.
* Try to find activities the family can do together.


TIPS FOR STEPPARENT:
 
* Look for positive things in your stepchild.
* Support the disciplinary actions your spouse takes with his or her child.
* Avoid the role of strict disciplinarian. Be a guide or friend to your stepchild according to the situation.
* Be prepared for children to express conflicting loyalties.
* Listen to children with your full attention.
* Don't use unkind words. Be positive in your communication.
* Don't expect too much at once. Don't expect instant love.
* Don't get discouraged. Be patient.
-- Source: "Couples Considering a Blended Family," by Kate Fogarty, Millie Ferrer and Sara McCrea, University of Florida IFAS Extension

WEBSITES, OTHER RESOURCES

* Stepfamily Association of America: www.saa.org
* “Active Parenting for Stepfamilies,” a video-based educational program by Elizabeth Einstein and Michael Popkin
* “Strengthening Your Stepfamily” by Elizabeth Einstein and Linda Albert (Impact Publishers, $17.95)
* www.activeparenting.com
* www.stepfamilyliving.com
* designingdynamicstepfamilies.com
*"Designing Dynamic Stepfamilies: Bringing the Pieces to Peace," a DVD series by Carri and Gordon Taylor