Most Stepfamilies Are Not 'The Brady Bunch'

In the background was Joy's biological daughter, now 25. "She just wanted to be so much a part of the other two, but she was the third wheel," Joy says.  
Randy says he sometimes felt torn apart, trying to please Joy and the girls.    
    
During the first three years of their marriage, Joy and Randy argued about the kids. Then they had their issues to work out as a couple. They continued to receive counseling and support through their church’s stepfamily groups and have told their story to other remarried couples to offer them guidance and the wisdom of their experiences. “There were several times we almost didn’t make it,” Randy says. “Just the stress and the frustration, Joy would say, ‘I will always love you, but I can’t stay in this anymore.’”  
   
“There have been times of much more intense grief over it than I would say currently,” Joy says of the relationship with their children. But there’s always an undercurrent of grief. “It’s almost like a sore muscle that doesn’t ever heal.”

    
'THE PIECES TO PEACE'

Therapist Gordon Taylor and his wife, Carri, a communications trainer and executive/personal coach, have been married since 1986. Gordon brought three sons from a previous marriage into the relationship, while Carri came with her two daughters.    

Over the years, the Taylors have worked with the Baxters and other couples in their quest to help their remarriages endure the challenges of stepfamilies and to thrive in a loving environment. The Taylors speak about stepfamilies nationally and have created a DVD series titled "Designing Dynamic Stepfamilies: Bringing the Pieces to Peace." 

Before considering remarriage, couples need to know what they're about to take on, the Taylors say. Who will be the disciplinarian? How will the finances be handled? How will former spouses and biological parents affect the new marriage and how prepared are couples for that situation? How much have the remarried couple educated themselves about stepfamily dynamics? Those and other questions need to be answered before venturing into a new marriage, they say. "If they can't handle these (issues) before they get married, then chances of them handling it after they get married are very low," Gordon says.  

Couples need to get to know who they are as individuals and partners before entering into marriage again. Pre-remarital counseling and support groups can help couples prepare for the issues that will arise, they say. One factor remarried couples need to understand is that to some extent their relationship as husband and wife will seem to become secondary to the needs of the children.

The kids need stability first to be able to deal with their parents' new relationship. And both of the spouses need to understand that, particularly if one of them doesn't bring children into the marriage. "Realizing we will get our time can bring hope," Carri advises remarried couples. "In fact, we're getting to learn about each other as we're walking through the tough times."  

Communication and conflict resolution are keys to keeping a remarriage intact, the Taylors say. Communication is a learned skill that's needed to handle issues. Without communication and the ability to resolve conflicts skillfully, couples fight and defend their point of view instead of collaborating and finding ways to move forward.    

Like the Baxters, Gary Brattain and his wife, Elaine, sought help from the Taylors at different periods over the years to resolve issues that arose as they tried to blend their two families into one.   Gary went through years of counseling to discover why his previous marriages failed and to help his 15-year marriage to Elaine thrive. "You get divorced for a reason," says Gary, 55, of Brea, Calif. "When you get married more than once, the problem is that you're bringing in all the baggage from the past marriages."   

That personal investigation has helped him understand who he is and how his background and upbringing have affected his relationships with his children, stepchildren, Elaine and former spouses.