i hate being a single mother.

i hate being a single mother.   i hate having all of the responsibility of raising two children by myself.  

i hate having to teach them everything, even boy things...like how to pee standing up.  can't my ex even do that simple thing?    

i hate worrying about them all the time...and worrying about me.  what happens if i choke while eating.  you've seen this played out on tv sometimes.  the poor single girl worried she will choke on  her chinese take out and not be found for weeks.   

well, i'd be found by my kids.  but what would they do?  i've tried to teach them my cell phone (don't have a phone home).  maybe they would figure out how to dial 911 and then hit enter and then talk and explain our address.  maybe they won't be panicked like any normal adult would, right?  doubtful.  

i hate having to work full time, drive home in traffic for 45 minutes, rush in the door to quickly make dinner (and it has to be healthy, cuz i'm the one responsible for healthy diets too), cleaning up after dinner, getting the homework done, getting them bathed and in pj's and in bed and reading books and getting them to sleep, only to pass out myself 5 minutes later (or earlier on some nights...yes, they wake me to tell me it's bed time).  sad.    

i hate having to get up at 6 am to pack lunches and snacks and iron uniforms and check backpacks and yell at them to get up, wash their faces, brush their teeth, put on socks, find shoes and then drive too fast to get them to school on time to only face all the stay at home moms who look so put together at 730 am and definitely not frazzled or rushed.  

i'm rushed.   i'm super rushed. i have to get work.  i have just enough time to kiss them goodbye and run to the car.   

i see the other moms out there talking to the teachers or chatting in groups and i'm jealous.    

i hate getting those volunteer fliers from school listing just dozens of way i too can participate, when i so can not participate at all...but really want to and immediately start blaming my ex for not allowing me the opportunity and my kids the privilege of having mom as a room parent.    

i hate having to administer medicine to my kids when they are ill.  (which my son was for 2 solid years).   

i hate sitting up nightly, for two years, not sleeping and measuring different meds under harsh fluorescent lighting while praying to any god to please make my son better, make his 105 fever go down, make him stop coughing, make him ok.   

i hate knowing i was doing this, night after night, while my ex was out at parties 2 hours away sipping champagne.  

i hate having to make every decision on every possible thing without any other persons input.  i'm just not that smart or capable.  i shouldn't have such responsibility.    

i hate being exhausted every day and not having the energy that my kids need and deserve.    

i hate worrying about money all the time and having an ex who doesn't pay child support yet walks in my house with new, hip glasses or shoes.    

i hate the looks i get from others, that mix of pity with 'well, what did she do to get divorced' judgemental look i get when i mention i'm divorced.  

i hate when my friends complain that i'm too busy or never around to go out or worse, when they say 'well, i guess we'll have to work around your schedule again.'     i hate when my married friends complain about their spouses or raising children.  they have no idea what it means to have all of the responsibility from bringing in money so the kids can eat and live, to educating them,  to caring for them when ill, to entertaining them to cleaning the house and making snacks.  

i hate how cavalier they all seem about it.   

i hate that i can't find five minutes of rest from this unbelievably heavy responsibility.  

i hate when people tell me that i need to find time for myself and hire a babysitter and just go out with friends.  that's not realistic.  that's not real.  time is impossible to find..something always has to be done...who else will do it?   and going out requires money.  money that is needed for my kids.  if the father of my children won't give us money, i certainly doubt any well-wishers will.    

i'm on my own here.    

and i hate it.


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