Divorced Good at Parenting

Like Robin, Ashley said that, “Kids are like barometers. They can smell it, they can sense it – they don’t miss a thing.” But several experts, including Deborah Moskovitch, author of “The Smart Divorce,” agree that although children do notice parental tension, there are specific measures parents can take in order to ensure an easier time for them, including making sure that children understand they are loved and will not be put in the middle of the conflict.

“Some parents are so angry at the decision behind the separation that they want to tell the children,” Moskovitch said. “But doing so can destroy the children's relationship with their parents and cause long term emotional scars. The worst thing parents can do is make their children feel like they have to take sides.” 


PULL IT TOGETHER

Moskovitch, who coached her three children through her own divorce, said parents can help their children by:

1.)  Talking to the children together
2.)  Giving children time to react, time to be mad and sad, and time to ask questions. If you have more than one child, each may want to speak with you separately.
3.)   Anticipating the children's questions and reactions, and being prepared to respond.
4.)   Encouraging your children to talk about their feelings.
 
“Children need routine and structure,” Moskovitch said. “This needs to continue even though your thoughts are elsewhere.” Quaranta said she also learned several things from her divorce, and now tries to keep in mind that “at one point in time you did love each other enough to bring your children into the world.”

“You need to love [children] enough to continue to be the same two parents to them as you were in the past,” Quaranta said. According to Moskovitch, Ashley and Robin, parental counseling should also be an important aspect to a couple who is mulling over the idea of a divorce. “Before you pull the trigger on something as serious as divorce – counseling will give you some insight,” Ashley said.

Counseling is the key says Dr. Karen Sherman, author of “Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last.”  Sherman said professional intervention is important for couples considering divorce because it will keep children from asking, “wasn’t I important enough for you to at least do something?” 

In addition to mediation, Robin has also refers couples to her “50 Tips for Divorcing Parents” a list of several suggestions, including how to successfully co-parent and discuss your feelings with your child. The complete list can be found on Robin’s Web site, www.AFriendlyDivorce.com.  

“If you want to have an amicable divorce and do what is in the best interest of the children, then honesty and compromise are critical,” Moskovitch said. “Be honest what your finances are and compromise as to what your goals are. Parents have an obligation to support their children both financially and emotionally.”