Adult + Step Children = Problem?

Q: My husband and I each lost our spouses after more than 30 years of marriage. We’ve been married for three years. I have three daughters and he has three sons; all are married adults. My daughters have embraced my second husband, but two of my husband’s sons have never accepted me. I’ve tried very hard to get to know them and be warm and friendly. They are rude, mean and rejecting, and it hurts me deeply. My husband has talked with these two sons about their behavior, however, he also tiptoes around them because he doesn’t want to lose his relationship with them (nor do I want him to). I’ve told my husband to go without me to “his” family functions although this doesn’t seem to be the right thing either. What are your suggestions for smoothing out this precarious triangle? Do you have some recommendations to help resolve these family-relations issues.

A: Al and Ramona have been married 58 years. Here’s what they say:

“This is a no-win situation for you if you believe that you can alter the multitude of feelings among all parties. It’s likely that your husband’s family already had a lot of emotional issues before you came along, so you need to be realistic. Don’t make this triangle more complicated than it already is. This means, first and foremost, be your husband’s best friend. Hold your head high and go with him to his family functions. These events are probably just a few hours here and there, not every day. Be pleasant and gloss over the negative vibes. Even though things are smooth between your husband and your children now, there may be times when controversy erupts and he will then return the favor.”

— Al

“The problems of the ‘blended family’ have no perfect solution as they involve such deep emotions: painful memories of past family bonds, the feeling that one’s prime loyalty is to one’s own children, and guilty feelings that stepchildren are almost an intrusion. Between the two sets of siblings there will be unconscious feelings of jealousy. The key words for both you and your husband are ‘compassion’ for this difficult adjustment, and of your new blended family, ‘restraint’ in judgment.

“You would only be postponing reconciliation and adding to the alienation of the children if you stay away from your husband’s family gatherings. Go with him! Be as friendly as you can in an unobtrusive way. Remember, time heals all wounds, and as time passes, unexpected occasions will arise when you will have a natural excuse to express caring and concern to your stepsons, and, in spite of themselves, they will appreciate you. Your husband will love you for helping him through this difficult time.”

— Ramona