Celebrating with Your Ex at the Holidays

    When Suki Jah go divorced, she probably never thought she would continue seeing her husband around at the holidays.

"He comes over to our house at Christmas, and we all get together with me, my ex-husband, my current husband, my kids," says Jah, who lives in the Washington, D.C. metro area. "Every year since we've gotten divorced, really. I never thought bad about it. It's normal to us," she says.Celebrating the holidays together and sharing presents and meals between divorced families? It's something that would have never happened 50 years ago but is becoming less taboo.

"I think anytime there's an amicable divorce, especially where the kids are involved, then maintaining respect for one another actually shows the children that divorce is not a fatal event and doesn't have to kill all possibilities for mutual respect. If people get together after a divorce and are able to do that, it opens up respect for relationships," says James Pierce, a therapist in Huntsville, Ala.

Pierce says that people who are upset with the idea of bringing both the ex-husband's side of the family together with the new family should try to think about it more. "They're just feelings. They're a result of our estimation of a result of meaning to us. If we have a feeling, it doesn't always mean to act in accord with it. If you feel angry. don't act it out," he says. "Acknowledge, I'm really upset here, and if I've got an issue, that's what also gives me the energy for change.' If theres an issue thats of concern to you, if you apply the energy constructively, good things come out of that event," Pierce says. 

"For extended family to get together, it probably might be differences in interests and what to do together as a family. Also, just being crowded together in a home, and how it is for, say, siblings who grew up together, and maybe they come back together over the holidays," says Ann Chan, a therapist in Champaign, Ill. 

Chan says one example is mixing step children with your children and an ex's children -- especially children with large age differences. "At holidays and having to be respectful of each other again now, and maybe bringing in their own families, that can be tough, whereas my brother's gonna come visit me. He's my little brother, and I have to be mindful of him," she says.