Book Review: The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting

    Carolyn Ellis thought she had built the perfect life. Ellis graduated from Harvard, had a successful career and was married to her high-school sweetheart with whom she’d had three children.

Yet when Ellis found out that her marriage was failing and a fix was out of reach she found herself facing new decisions in her life -- decisions surrounding divorce and single parenting. Ellis had to decide if she was going to give in to her pain, fear and anger or if she was going to take the higher road.

Ultimately Ellis found that she was able to make the choice for herself and her children to rise above blame and revenge. From her experiences Ellis has written “The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting” to guide single-parents as they help their children thrive after divorce.

Ellis discussed “The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting” with Divorce360.com and offered some advice for helping your kids thrive during divorce.      

Divorce360.com: What inspired you to write this book?
A: The primary reason I wrote this book was out of my own personal frustration that a straight-talking user’s guide to becoming a divorced parent wasn’t available when I went through the process. When I separated after a 20-year relationship, I was scared, overwhelmed and uncertain as to what my life could look like as a divorced woman with three young children. Most of the people I knew who’d been divorced were still angry and bitter years later, and I didn’t want to end up like that. I wanted answers to some basic questions like, “What are the mistakes I’m likely to make? How do I avoid them?”

It was tough to find the answers to these critical questions out there. I wasn’t the first parent to get divorced and I certainly am not going to be the last, after all. So I decided to create a guide for single parents that is like putting a road map in their hands. My personal experience is that it’s possible to not just survive divorce, but to thrive after divorce. I was passionate to share my findings and experience with others because of the incredible impact can have on our children, the future leaders of our society. If you think about it, we’re not just raising our own children. We’re raising the parents of our grandchildren, so there’s this profound intergenerational impact we are having. My hope is that my book will help us develop more loving, harmonious and cooperative families.

Divorce360.com: What separates your book from other divorce books? 
A: When I was going through my divorce I found there was a lot of information out there, but most of it was more theoretical than practical. I read a ton of books on topics such as parenting, divorce, self-esteem, and psychology, but there were few books that addressed both the parenting and divorce issues in a practical, day-to-day context. I wasn’t finding real-world tips and strategies I could apply to my life right away.

When you’re separated, often there are so many issues you have to deal with that your attention span is short and you want to cut to the chase. In my book, I blend my own personal experience, my studies and my training as a coach to ensure that the information is clear, concise and can be used right away. I’ve road-tested the information with single parents from around the world through my teleseminars. The book also includes action steps and exercises that help the reader work through the individual pitfalls that I identify.  There’s a self-assessment quiz so people can see how they may already be stuck in some of these parenting pitfalls. The book is hands-on and easy to use. People should be able to read a chapter within 10 minutes and then go out and deal with their children in a more effective, centered and successful manner.  I was really delighted that my book won multiple Best Books awards from USA Book News, including being the winner in the Family/Parenting: Divorce category.

Divorce360.com: In your book you target specific pitfalls and how to handle them. Can you tell us what those are and why they are so important?
A: I identified what I consider to be the seven most common mistakes divorced parents make. There is a chapter devoted to each, with clear signs of how to know if you’re trapped in a pitfall, as well as the steps you can take to get out of it.

Here are the seven pitfalls and a brief summary of each one:

1. Not Having the Big Picture.
It’s important to take the time to create a new vision for your life after divorce. Otherwise you’ll be stuck playing the “I’m supposed to be living happily ever after” tape in your head, which creates suffering.  Having the big picture in mind will give you valuable perspective and balance as to how to handle the day-to-day decisions. 

2. Getting Hooked by Your Ex-Spouse.
It is so easy to stay hooked into an unhealthy emotional dynamic with your ex-spouse. Yet it’s important to break free of the power struggles and disentangle some of the emotional threads that still bind you together. Co-parents need to shift into more of a business partner relationship with each other. A big tip is to realize that what your ex thinks about you in none of your business.

3. Parenting from Guilt.
Many divorced parents feel guilty that their children have to learn to live in a “mom’s house, dad’s house” kind of world after divorce. Yet guilt is a choice that ultimately does not help. Excusing children for poor behavior or from participating in household chore because you feel guilty doesn’t serve them well in the long run.

4. Going for the Martyr Medal.
Divorce and all of the changes that take place as a result of that financially, socially and emotionally means that divorced parents are dealing with a very full load. Take the time to charge your batteries and practice strong self-care. Delegate what you can and ask for help. Nobody will ever hand out medals for suffering in silence, and most certainly your children won’t.

5. Not Putting Your Children First.
Unfortunately, too often divorced parents but their children squarely in the middle of the divorce battleground. Bad-mouthing your ex, asking children to deliver messages or turning them into confidants are some of the ways parents neglect to put their children’s best interests first.

6. Being Responsible for your Children’s Relationship with your Ex.
It’s important to learn to be a resource parent, not a rescue parent. Children need to develop and manage their relationship with each parent and can learn to do so even at a young age. Unless there are significant issues at stake, such as safety, empower your children to learn how to communicate what they need from their other parent, instead of you swooping in and taking that responsibility for them.

7. Living in Chaos.
Clearly having children with parents who live in different places brings with it a lot of logistical challenges. Unless you plan ahead and create systems to help manage that transition, you’ll add to the stress and uncertainty for your children. Things like keeping a family calendar, explicit communications agreements and checklists can go a long way towards having more cooperation, understanding and ease in running your family.