After Divorce, Moving with Kids

    One of the known facts when a couple divorces is that someone, if not both people, has to move out. But when you throw children into the situation, it becomes more difficult.  Moving with children can be hard enough on the parents, but what about the children themselves?

Mark Lowman, a father to two teen-age daughters, moved his family from Atlanta, Ga. to San Antonio, Tex. earlier this year. "It was really stressful moving with children, because you don't know in advance how it's going to affect their lives, not knowing your way around, not having the family support group there before you.  All these things create stress for children and their well being," he says. "Not knowing what's going to happen, you just try to plan for the best, go to the right school, live in the right town, and live in a good neighborhood. You try your hardest to make sure you do what's right for your kids."

"My experience with it is, it's usually it's a very difficult circumstance separating a parent from kids," says Rory Gilbert, a social worker and alcohol and drug counselor in Oak Brook, Ill.

Gilbert says there are other issues at hand besides the move itself. One of the big problems is leaving the old home, where children had memories of growing up. "I'm seeing a guy right now who's doing terrible that the kids aren't going to be in the house where they were born," he says. "The isolating of the house, which happens quite a bit for financial reasons, is a very different adjustment for everybody, and my experience is people try very hard to not disrupt the kids' lives, but because of finances, that often ends up happening."

"It always feels like a step backwards. Children had a house, a room. It's 'where my friends are.' It's a comfort zone, so needing to move is the biggest symbol of the financial difficulties that could happen after divorce," Gilbert says.

Another issue, says Gilbert, is the lifestyle children aren't used to but must have after a divorce. "The economic realities of the divorce - kids and parents struggle with that. Often, mom has to go back to work." According to Gilbert, that could mean less money for things children are used to having, like certain toys and food, or living in a wealthier neighborhood.

"It's part of the overall picture of what you're going through in divorce. There's so much sadness for a child whose parents are divorcing," he says. "It's not always the loss of the parent or the noncustodial parent not there. It's the whole security blanket of the life. They're so used to it. If they're teens, it's the familiarity of their surroundings."

Gilbert says that some of his clients have moved away because of things like avoiding abusive relationships. "I've got one situation where a mom was trying to escape a very controlling, alcoholic father and going back to where her family was. She moved across states. It's a very angry, protective move on the mother's part."

"It's not a very typical situation," says Gilbert, who believes that abusive relationship or not, a move is difficult for all families.  "I think that the parents have to try to be as in tune as possible, which gets pretty difficult, because the parents are going through their own issues and need caretaking themselves."