Keep or Change a Last Name?

 In the process of helping clients like Huber-Wilkins, Utt-Grubb asked her to fill out a detailed questionnaire. “They were wonderful questions, especially about childhood. What do you remember about the first time you knew what your name was? How did you feel about your name as child? It was really getting at what association I had with my birth name,” said the 43-year old. “I also had additional issues as I was also adopted. There were so many layers there. But when I got right down to it, it was about my identity and I felt a lot of guilt about abandoning my family name. I felt it dishonored my family.”   

To make matters more complicated, Huber-Wilkins was also one of only two girls in her family. “The name stopped with my dad’s generation.”   

To help break her of the habit she had developed over two years of marriage — namely, flipping from name to name — Utt-Grubb handed her another suggestion.  “The biggest thing she had me do was to say, you don’t have to make a decision right now. Just pick one name and use it consistently for a month and don’t allow yourself to go back and forth. See how that feels.”
 
It must have felt pretty good, because she has continued to use the hyphenation of the two last names. “I really have found that it didn’t feel honorable to let go of my maiden name and just take my husband’s name. But I am also really proud to be married, even though the hyphenated last name can be cumbersome,” she said. “But it feels true to who I am.”  


THINKING ABOUT CHANGING YOUR LAST NAME?

So you are thinking of changing your last name. Maybe you want to go back to your maiden name after your divorce. Maybe you would like to hyphenate the kid’s names, so they can include yours, too. Or maybe you just want to chuck it all and take on a whole new name.    

No matter what name you pick, if it is different than your old moniker, Kelly Utt-Grubb, founder of Name Counsel Consulting services, located in Raliegh-Durham, N.C. (www.NameCounsel.us) suggests doing the following to help minimize the glitches after you make the change. n Plan ahead. Inform everyone of the name change — schools, sports organizations, associations, doctors, all health care providers, postal service, insurance companies, family members and even business associates if applicable. “You want to make sure you cover all the bases,” says Utt-Grubb. “It helps to provide it in writing for some of these services, especially the children’s schools, where you might even need supporting documentation.”

1. Talk to your extended family and friends.
 Involving your loved ones helps with support and minimize the surprises. “Sit down with those who might be involved with you and your children and clearly explain your choices,” she said. “This will help earn respect for eventual decision and prevent those who might influence the children from making careless mistakes.”

2. Be ready for opinionated staff.
Even though the world may seem like a changed place, traditional values are still deeply entrenched, says Utt-Grubb. “Some may not understand a non-traditional choice and have a lot of opinion on it,” she said. “It’s important you know that going in so it doesn’t irritate you.”
 
3. Make sure you follow up.
A few weeks after you make the name change, call or visit the various offices to make sure that the names have been changed and changed correctly. “In the long run, the office staff is happy to check for you because it makes their lives easier,” she said.
 
4. Speak up immediately if someone addresses you incorrectly.
Don’t just let it pass, says Utt-Grubb. “Just correct them immediately. Too often we let our own insecurities keep us silent and that will of course create confusion.”   

Most importantly, Utt-Grubb sayas whatever you decide, choose carefully, when making name changes. But when you are done, be proud of your choice. “Project confidence in your choice because it is your identity. Be an example with your kids. Ultimately, what you are doing is help change society’s collective mind while developing pride in your own name and grace under pressure.”     


Lenore Skomal is author of nine books and columnist of an award-winning weekly column in the Erie, Pa., Times-News, she also teaches college journalism in Pennsylvania.