divorce360.com | Family Ties: Keeping her Ex-Spouse's Name

Q: I am planning to marry a woman who is divorced and has a nine year-old child. When my fiancee married her first husband, she took his last name. She tells me that when we get married she wants to keep her current name…..the name she took from her first husband. This doesn’t feel good or seem right to me. When I told my fiancee how I felt and asked her to change her name to mine after we marry, she said that it was a hassle to change it the first time, and she does not want to go through that hassle again. She also says she wants to keep her first husband’s name because her son has the same last name. Should I accept her decision? Or make a stronger case for my position?

A: It is not unusual for women to keep their last name when they marry. About four in 10 women do not change their name upon getting married. In your situation, your wife-to-be did make the choice to change her name in her first marriage, and your preference for her to change her last name to yours is understandable. If you feel very strongly about this issue, you could approach the topic with your fiancee by asking her if she would be willing to change her name to yours under one or more of the following conditions:

1. You help her with the “hassles” involved, such as filling out paperwork etc.;
2. She has a discussion with her son to assess his feelings about her changing her last name, and he is OK with it.
3. You make a trade……What can you do for her to make it worth her effort to change her name?

In the end, it is her choice. If she chooses to keep her current name, let it go…..Focus on the life you have together, not the name.

Caroline Schacht has a master’s degree in home economics and another in sociology. She has been trained as a divorce mediator and a teacher at East Carolina University, specializing in courtship and marriage classes. She is the co-author of several textbooks, including "Choices in Relationships and Understanding Social Problems." She can be reached a cschacht@suddenlink.net.

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