Wanted: Older Men

    Seniors today are still of a generation that doesn't want to seem to plan for sex.  And there's no need for birth control, so that motivation for condom use doesn't exist.  Also, senior men may not have as inevitable erections as they did when younge, so that may make them reluctant to use condoms. However, female condoms are available, and unless you and your partner are both tested, don't assume you're safe. 

Today's seniors are not content to just sit and rock, and watch the grandchildren. And, because divorce is so common, there are many more seniors looking for companionship than in previous times. Especially for those seniors who may have recently lost a spouse, dating can be highly rejuvenating. Senior sex requires a different focus and some new techniques to be satisfying. It's no surprise that sex is different for seniors than for youngsters, and so are the demographics. The older we get, the fewer men per women, because women are more long-lived. So, this means older men are at a premium.

If you go to any senior center, you can see this in action. As time passes people get wiser, and learn to look past the outer package, and focus more on the person within. It's the character of the person that will determine whether your relationship will be a success, not his or her outward appearance. Staying fit and physically and socially active increases your odds of  finding someone to date, and also increases your libido and your chances of  successful sex. 

But, beware of too much focus on the surface, and not  enough content. Such relationships quickly become empty and stressful.  In  my "Unofficial Guide to Dating Again," I recommend "getting a life" and  pursuing your interests in a group fashion. Taking classes, supporting  causes, or getting involved in civic, church or social groups will keep you  interested, socially connected, and give you a chance to find someone with  whom you have something in common.  It's never too late for seniors to  fulfill their dreams.    

Older couples have many issues to work out while dating. They are  established, with clear likes and dislikes, and may have difficulty  reaching agreement on lifestyle issues. They often have grown families,  who may have trouble accepting a parent's or grandparent's dating. They  also have relationship experience, and a widow or widower, for example, may  have trouble getting beyond the previous marriage, and dealing with a  different person. Here are some Dating Do's and Don'ts to help.


DATING DO'S AFTER DIVORCE

1. Do 'shop around'.
Don't stay focused on one person until you've given yourself a choice.*Do listen. Don't monopolize the conversation. You'll learn even more about your date, and be more relaxed. *Do focus on friendship. This early, you can't know where it might go, so concentrate on developing the friendship. You can have as many friends as you want.*Do get feedback. Offer your comments on the event or the restaurant, and ask your date what he or she thought of it, for future reference.

2. Do let your date know if you enjoyed his/her company.
A compliment is always welcome. If you'd like to do it again, say so. *If you promise to call, mean it. If you've decided not to continue the relationship but feel you can't say so, don't make empty promises.*

3. Do tell the truth.
Don't lie, but also don't share too much too soon. You don't need to tell your date about other dates if you two have no agreement about exclusivity.

4. Do pay attention to the clues about your date.
You need to learn about this person's character, not just looks and charm.


DATING DON'tS AFTER DIVORCE

1. Don't assume your date is exclusive with you.
if you've never talked about it, you don't know that's how he or she feels.

2. Don't be afraid of silence.
Occasional silences allow a conversation to feel natural and unforced.

3. Don't make sex the objective.
Good reasons for going slowly into sexual activity include: reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and  AIDS; avoiding the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; averting codependent obsession; and having sex to look forward to. If and when sex is right, it will happen -- there's no advantage in rushing.

4. Don't date beyond your budget.
It doesn't impress your date if, in the long run, you have to make an embarrassing confession, and "buying" someone's company doesn't work. A wide disparity in income calls for frank discussion early on. If your date spends a lot on you, reciprocating with a home-cooked meal, a hand-made gift, or needed repair work will even thetally.

5. Don't get too self-conscious.
The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive. Look your best, then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.



Tina Tessina, Ph.D., has been a licensed California psychotherapist for more than 30 years. She's authored more than 11 books, including "Money, Sex and Kids."  She can be reached at tina@tinatessina.com.