Stepfamily Talk: Ex Plays Games

My husband’s ex wants him back and does everything she can to try to come between us. Some days she is civil. Other days she doesn’t want her daughter to have anything to do with me. I have tried to be as nice as I can be to this woman. I’m 29 years old -- too old to be playing these childish games. What is the best way to deal with this? I don’t want my stepdaughter’s head to get messed up because of her stupidity.  

Sue.


Dear Sue,  

Your story is a common one.  

Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D, author of “Surviving Ophelia,” “Girl Wars” and “Mean Girls Grow Up,” says that ex-wives and stepmoms often engage in “relational aggression,” which means they use gossip, manipulation and cyber bullying to hurt another person. In other words, they play “Mean Girl” games. This behavior is often spurred by jealousy over a man, she notes.  

You don’t have to engage in these games with your husband’s ex. In fact, you shouldn’t. Try to be as civil as possible. Don’t compete with her for the prize of “Best Mom,” advises Margorie Engel, former president and CEO of the Stepfamily Association of America.  

Try to look at the world from your husband’s ex-wife’s point of view. She’s likely very jealous that your stepdaughter calls you “Mommy Sue.” As a mom, I know I’d be jealous! If you try to replace your stepdaughter’s mom as “mother,” your husband’s ex will likely be jealous. It’s often better to make it clear that you’re an “extra adult” in the household who supports your husband and his ex. You might consider telling your husband’s ex that you have no intention of replacing her as the child’s mother. You could tell her you’d like to work hand-in-hand with her.  

Jann Blackstone-Ford, co-author of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation,” experienced similar problems with her husband’s ex. She cared for her stepchildren during the day, and her husband’s ex was jealous. The tension between the two households was so high that the kids started having nightmares and stomachaches. At that point, the two families entered mediation together. Then they began working together.  

If you find that being civil doesn’t help solve the problem, you might consider asking your husband and his ex to attend counseling or mediation with you. The goal would be to find ways to work together to raise your stepdaughter.  

You should also visit www.stepfamilytalkradio.com and listen to the interview, “How This Stepmom Learned to Get Along With Her Husband’s Ex.” You might also ask your ex-husband to listen to “Advice For Divorced Dads About Ex-Wives.” To get that podcast, you can click on http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=135052514&s=143441  

The book “Stepwives” also addresses this topic.  

Good luck to you.  

Lisa



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Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets.