Speed Dating for New Singles

   
    The bar is packed with suitors lined up against the far wall for a chance with the women sipping drinks in front of them. A typical singles night, but with a twist: every woman has a numbered sign and scorecard. Welcome to speed dating. Started by an L.A. rabbi as a way for Jewish bachelors to meet potential mates, the practice has rapidly found favor with busy singles. Use caution, however: what appears to be romantic musical chairs can be fraught with the pressure of making a good first impression. This can be especially trying for the recently divorced, many of whom are still grappling with the fall-out of past relationships.

Deborah, who asked that her last name not be used, is a film director in her thirties who recently ended a six-year marriage. “When I got married a part of me was relieved, because it meant my days of playing the dating game were over. But then it ends, and you’re thrust back into it.” She plays with the edges of her scorecard. “It’s like moving to a foreign country, and not speaking the language.”

According to psychologist Philip Belove, Ed.d (drbelove@datingatmidlife.com), the process of finding someone new happens in stages. “At first you’re still reacting to what’s happened. Often people at this stage do short-term relationships with little future, and this is a kind of safety for them.” It’s also a form of self-sabotage, an instinctive check against proceeding down a path without having lain the necessary groundwork first. In a format as concentrated as speed dating, not having a clear idea of what you’re looking for could prove disastrous.  “A person should ask themselves, ‘How afraid am I of being alone?’  If the answer is ‘Very’, then that’s a sign you’re not able to develop standards and are just reacting.”

Deborah’s first date, a software engineer, comes over, and they spend a few moments engaged in small-talk.  After less than a minute, however, he deliberately shifts gears and starts posing serious questions about work, family and relationship wants. It’s a jarring break from the gradual build of a typical conversation. Finally the date ends, participants mark their scorecards, and it’s on to the next person.

“It felt wrong almost instantly, but I kept pushing myself to answer his questions,” she says, signaling the bartender over for a much-needed second drink. “Saying no isn’t easy, especially now, with the little voice inside saying take what you can get, and be happy for it.” 

Lauren Kaufman is a veteran of a grueling, three-year divorce process, and understands first-hand the toll it can take. “The best way to bolster self-esteem is to join a support group,” she says.  “You gain a tremendous knowledge hearing how others cope and what they’re doing to help themselves. Learning what steps need to be taken is vital to feeling better about yourself.” A participant in Transitions, a support group for the newly separated and divorced, she suggests contacting local churches or branches of the mental health community to locate one.

“”It’s a little like looking for a house,” says Belove. “You can have a general idea but you have to really walk around inside of a few different ones to discover what you want. Maybe that woman who’s a little older and a lot smarter will make you happier than the younger woman you liked at first.  Maybe the guy who looks a little shabby, but has great relationships with his kids is more what you really want. Speed dating is an exercise in intuition. Go with it.”

Which is not to say there won’t be hiccups along the way. For, as Deborah discovers repeatedly, there’s nothing as certain to douse chemistry as prematurely revealing your past. But therein lies the dilemma: how can you honestly portray yourself without touching on what had been, until recently, a major focus of your life? Kaufman believes that honesty isn’t at stake, but rather, preventing self-sabotage through putting the past into perspective. “If you need to rehash your past you are not ready to enter a new relationship,” she says simply. “Wait until you are asked about it.”  

“Have a couple of interesting activities to discuss, like a recent visit to a gallery, a ski trip or dinner at a new restaurant,” suggests dating expert Leslie Meredith as an alternative. And if you haven’t done anything interesting lately? “Go do something BEFORE you try speed dating!”