Single But Looking...Maybe

NOW, LET'S CONSIDER THE KIDS  

Fisher said when she began dating after her first husband died, her cyclone-like romance caused her to sometimes leave behind one very important aspect in her life – her children’s feelings.  “While I thought I was providing them with a replacement for their father, they saw the man as different form their own dad as Ozzie Osbourne is from Ozzie Nelson,” Fisher says in “Mom There’s a Man in the Kitchen.”  

Things to consider, Fisher says, are that children need to be treated with respect and also wants to feel like he can trust the person his parent is dating. Fisher said, this happens when a child is convinced that, first, his parent is happy and, secondly, that this new significant other is genuine about getting to know him. “Every single kid I have ever interviewed just wants his parents to be happy,” Fisher said. “[Parents] think we just want our children to be happy. What we don’t know is that they want us to be happy, too.”  

A child’s happiness when a parent begins dating, however, can be affected by a parent who decides to speak poorly of his or her ex’s new dating life, says Los Angeles-based divorce attorney Stacy Phillips. “Saying to your kids, ‘Oh, well dad is dating Trixie and she doesn’t have a brain in her head,’ is not a good idea,” said Phillips, who is also a certified family law specialist. “And ‘not good idea’ is an understatement.”  

Fisher agrees with Phillips, and says that “rising above the situation” is the key factor in ensuring your kids are not unnecessarily affected by a parent beginning to date. “If you can not stoop to this level, then it benefits your relationship with your ex and your relationship with your children,” Fisher said. “It is sometimes so hard to do this, but if you can, it’s a win-win situation.”  


OH, BY THE WAY, I’M DIVORCED  

While many people may see the “divorce factor,” as a pitfall to getting back into dating, Davis suggests that people need to get rid of that notion. “The stigma of being divorced can bring a preconception of having ‘baggage,’” Davis said. “See yourself new and fresh apart from your past in order to facilitate a new beginning.”  

Like, Davis, Phillips agrees that putting all of the so-called baggage in the luggage rack where it belongs is the best thing that a newly-divorced man or woman can do before hitting the singles ads. “You need to say, ‘You know what, I have learned from my mistakes and now I know what I want,’” said Phillips, who is the author of “Divorce, It's All About Control: How to Win the Emotional, Psychological And Legal Wars."  

Quaranta said the honesty Phillips describes is really what always worked best for her.   “I’m the type of person who puts the cards on the table,” said Quaranta, who is currently in a solid relationship. “It’s a good character trait to display as far as I’m concerned. I like surprises, but not that kind!”  

But, while honesty is certainly the best policy, too much information, Fisher said can be a deterrent. The number one tip, she said, on which all divorce experts agree is, “Stop reliving it.” “You can’t begin to start dating if you find your thoughts centered on you former spouse,” Fisher said. “No one wants to listen to you talk on and on about your ex.”  

Fisher recommends that singles “keep it short and sweet” and avoid detail until you develop a relationship with a person. “Just come clean and let go,” she said. And Davis seconds that thought: “Don’t live life looking in the rearview mirror.”    


FIVE GREAT READS FOR NEWLY SINGLES

1.  “The Single Girl's Survival Guide: Secrets for Today's Savvy, Sexy, and Independent Woman” by Imogen Lloyd Webber
2.  “The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again” by Tina B. Tessina
3.   “Find the Love of Your Life After 50!” by Alice Solomon
4.   “Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One” by John Gray 5.   “Congratulations on Your Divorce: The Road to Finding Your Happily Ever After” by Amy Botwinick


TO READ MORE

Click here to read a story with tips on how to date after divorce.

Click here to read a story about online dating after divorce.

Click here to read a story with tips for newly singles after a divorce.


Caroline Shannon has been a journalist for seven years. In addition to writing for several publications, including the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and Observer-Reporter. She can be reached at caroline.shannon@hotmail.com.