Single But Looking...Maybe

    Like anyone who is suddenly confronted with death, Ellie Slott Fisher was blindsided when her husband of fifteen years suddenly died. 

But a second surprise came when Fisher began to once again hit the dating scene and was swept off her feet by a man who, after a two-and-a-half year marriage, became her ex-husband. “And I found myself dating – again,” said Fisher, author of the new book, “Dating for Dads: The Single Father’s Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly.” “But this time I was a widowed and divorced woman,” Fisher said. “And getting out there, well, it’s not easy.”  

But singles and divorce experts alike agree that Fisher is not alone. According to Deborah Moskovitch, a Canada-based divorce consultant, there are several phases that a newly-single man or woman can experience when he or she begins dating. “Dating after marriage is certainly not the experience that it was before marriage,” said Moskovitch, author of “The Smart Divorce.”  

For many people, Moskovitch explained, self esteem may be at a low point and they must first heal those wounds before beginning to even think about dating someone new. In these situations people are often more cautious about and sometimes a bit closed-off to dating. Other people, Moskovitch said, “jump into a relationship right away.” This occurs, Moskovitch said, because “in a sense, newly single people … are looking to prove to themselves that someone can be attracted to them. As a result, they are just not ready for a serious, committed relationship.”  

Fisher, who experienced a similar situation to the latter that Moskovitch described, said she “made a ton of mistakes” during her first round of newly-single dating by rushing into a second marriage and not giving herself time to properly consider the magnitude of the decisions she was making. “I was so caught up in the ensuing whirlwind that I became oblivious,” Fisher says during a description of her quickie second marriage in her first book, “Mom There’s a Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Robe.”  

What’s more, Fisher laments, she saw the dating world through very different, perhaps muddied glasses after she was divorced. “As a widow dating I had been trusting, naively assuming that all marriages were like my first one,” she says in “Mom There’s a Man in the Kitchen.” “As a divorced woman, I spotted red flags even before a guy split the check for a cup of coffee.”  


WHEN YOUR EX BRINGS TRIXIE HOME  

One aspect of dating after divorce that many exes have to tackle is the truth that one of them may begin dating before the other. “When one ex starts dating and the other is not emotionally ready, it can be very traumatic and trigger feelings of anger, bitterness, sadness and jealousy,” said Moskovitch, whose own divorce taught her much about re-establishing oneself in the dating scene.  

But Paul F. Davis, author of “Breakthrough for a Broken Heart and Adultery: 101 Reasons Not to Cheat,” says that people really just need to “live your life your way, on your terms and don’t compare yourself with others.”  Davis also stresses that it is important for a recently divorced man or woman to keep in mind that “we all heal differently.” 

Moskovitch agrees, adding that it is important for a freshly-single person to make sure he or she is surrounded by a support network, including friends and family, a therapist, or a support group. “These feelings are emotionally destructive and prohibit you from moving forward,” Moskovitch said, referring to the emotions an ex may experience when his or her former spouse begins dating.  

Move forward is exactly what Lori Quaranta, 50, of Shelton, Conn., did when her ex-husband began dating before she did. “The more I was uncomfortable with it, the more he loved it,” Quaranta said. “My best retribution was to live well and focus on making my new life as happy as possible. “The rest just falls into place.”