Should You Trust Them? 10 Questions To Ask.

1. Be constructive at first.
You can protect yourself and at the same time make this a contribution to the other person. You needn't get on your high horse and do the "you offended me" routine. Say things like: "You know, I am particularly sensitive about people raising their voice to me. Would you be willing to speak quietly with me? Yes, I can take the time to listen to your problems about Jan. I have about 20 minutes. Will that be enough time?," or  "I am unable to be with you when you are angry. I hope you understand my need to leave the room when you are disturbed. I do want to spend time with you and I love you."

2. Sledgehammer Approach
Mark Twain said, “If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.” So, save the sledgehammer approach for times when the other person is so into their stuff that they can't hear your unconditionally constructive request to back off. Assuming you are willing to take responsibility for the environment you allow yourself to be in, here are a couple of straight-shooting ways to protect your boundaries. And you may lose the friendship or relationship. For example, "Steve, that's it! You no longer get to say that to me, ever again. Got that?" (Stay with the person. Repeat it if necessary, until he really gets it and agrees to change.) Or, "Mary, you are being mean. Please stop it right now. I am no longer willing to help you, if you keep fighting me."

If you're getting really angry at someone, first look to see where you didn't act early enough. Then, make the biggest request you can of that person to have them treat you exactly as you wish and need to be treated. Do not figure out whether they can do what you're asking. Just ask for or demand it. If they care enough, they will accept it and change their behavior accordingly. If they give you a bad time about it or can't seem to deliver, then it is time to get this need met by someone else, or to let go of the relationship until such time as they are able to be good to you.  

Once you have rebuilt your ability to trust yourself. You are ready to begin trusting others. 

10 QUESTIONS TO ASSESS TRUSTWORTHINESS

1. Have I observed this person in many situations over an extended period of time?   
For the trust-wary, there is no substitute for time. You have to see someone in many different situations over a long period of time before you know what kind of stuff they’re made of. Let a new love interest know you need a lot of time to get to know who they are and who you are together before you’re ready to commit. Life Coach Amy Schoen, author of “Motivated to Marry,” believes, “The right person will appreciate where you’ve come from and won’t push you.

2. ”Is this person available for family events and holidays? 
If not, they may have already a family they’re not telling you about.

3. Do they frequently work late/weekends/take business trips? 
Hmmm. Perhaps you should find out where they're going and what they're doing.

4. Do they tell you the important stuff right up front or do you find yourself being blindsided by deal-breakers? 
Telling the whole truth, whether it’s about sex or health or money problems builds trust. “I had a client who found out her fiancé had huge debt. If he had told her about the debt early in their relationship she probably could have worked through it. As it was, she began to wonder what else he was hiding. In the end, she decided not to go ahead with the marriage,” Schoen said.

5. Are they sincere or do they placate you by telling you what they think you want to hear? 
While this tip is closely related to tip #4, it’s more about how they operate in the present than whether they’ve messed up in the past. Learning to ask for what you want and need right now, rather than merely parrot back what you think the other person wants you to want and need, allows you to be transparent in a relationship. Transparency builds trust.

6. Are they reliable? 
Do they call/arrive when they say they will? If they say they’re going to do something, do they actually do it? This shows respect and consideration for other people. Reliability is Job One and very, very sexy.

7. Do they share their emotions? 
If so, they’re comfortable in their own skin. A good sign they have nothing to hide.

8. Do they remain rational? 
No ranting, raving, yelling or screaming, please. Such out of control behavior is a smokescreen and what’s behind that smokescreen isn’t something you want in your life.

9. Do they think in terms of “me” or “we?” 
In the world of the narcissist, everything is about ME and that leaves no place for YOU or WE. You want someone who is over themselves. Look for someone who can focus on, care about, and make choices based on the well-being of other people while at the same time, honoring their own needs.

10. Are they willing to earn your trust? 
New relationships are wonderful opportunities to find love—don’t hold them captive to the sadness of the past. At the same time, once you decide you’re willing to consider trusting someone, remember:  he/she has to be willing to earn your trust. 

Laurie S. Moison (Hall) has written for newspapers in Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, and Washington, D. C. Author of four books, including "An Affair of the Mind," she has lectured nationally on sexuality, forgiveness, ethics and spirituality. She can be reached at lhall@together.net.