Sex after Divorce

    The message that was posted was simple. "Hello, my name is Elane. It has been 412 days since my last...well, you know..."

She wasn't talking about cigarettes or alcohol or anything like that. She was talking about orgasms. Wanting them, missing them and having no one around to provide them -- given her husband had walked out on her so he could share them with someone else. When your marriage ends, life after divorce can include a number of changes -- including less sex less often.  

Uncertain what to do, Elane went to divorce360.com's community site to ask what others like her did to get through the urge to, er, merge. What she discovered is that divorce doesn't mean you stop thinking about or wanting sex. And those going through a divorce or divorced already took up the online discussion -- about the lack of sex after divorce -- with enthusiasm. 

"Got AA batteries and a rabbit?" replied a woman who calls herself "EC." She was referring to a vibrator featured on an episode of "Sex in the City" called "The Turtle and The Hare," in which high-powered attorney Miranda introduces straight-laced Charlotte to the battery-operated boyfriend, who turns Charlotte into such a homebody that her friends have to stage an intervention to keep her from getting addicted to it.

The interest in sex talk isn't surprising for Shari Albert, an actress and relationship writer for The Huffington Post, who recently wrote a story on eco-friendly sex toys for Riverwired.com. "I was amazed at all the feedback," she said. "I think that people like this topic because it's considered taboo and exciting. The idea of an outside element to your routine, whether it be alone or with a partner, is a bit naughty, on the fringe as it were."    

Relationship expert Brenda Della Casa, author of the book "Cinderella was a Liar," agreed. "Sex is one of, if not the most popular and controversial topic in the world. Sexuality and anything related to it has been villified and shamed for centuries which has made many view sexuality a guilty pleasure instead of a necessary, healthy and normal aspect of the human experience."

According to Della Casa, "Elane" simply gave the divorce360 community members a chance to talk about what was really on their minds. "Forums and blogs which allow people to discuss their fears, worries, desires, hopes, dreams, anxieties and limitations freely without the worry of rejection or being forced to wear a scarlet letter are extremely helpful tools, in my opinion," she said.

"When someone finally has the courage to say what many feel but are too afraid, ashamed or shy to express, there is often a sense of safety created for the rest of us to be a little more authentic about who we really are under the surface. As long as the members of the online community are respectful of one another and keep the conversation productive, there are many positives to be found by joining an online roundtable discussion," she said.     

Blogger, writer and radio personality Robert Boyd, who is newly divorced, considers "sex (and lack of) a big topic during divorce. Even people who had bad sex in marriage have feelings on the  sex subject. For me, going without sex is just as hard to deal with as the loneliness. I was confused, hurt and insecure. Could I ever have good sex again? With my newfound emotional baggage, could I give a woman sexual pleasure again? I think we all need an outlet for our sexual frustration as much as we need an outlet for our anger and depression. Sex toys are a way for dealing with that .."

The ongoing discussion about sex in the divorce360 community even sparked a video by Dr. Amy Botwinck, divorced chiropractor-turned-sex-toy-saleswoman, who shared her thoughts on a sex toy called the rubber ducky -- and offered to share more information on sex toys if she got positive feedback from her video post. After all, she pointed out, sex toys offer a safe alternative for the newly divorced. 

With more than 2.8 million people going through the emotional trauma of divorce each year, there are a lot of newly single people looking for a way to safely pay attention to their sexual needs. A 2005 study conducted by AARP found that more than one-third of Americans between the ages of 40 and 69 are single, with the majority divorced. And unfortunately for these newly single older women, doctors often don't talk to them about safe sex, according to a recent University of Florida study. 

As a single who advocates safe sex, Albert said she's given out vibrators "as presents upon divorces and breakups of my girlfriends. It really is a safe way to explore your sexuality when there's no man ( partner) or emotional attachment involved... the only attachment you want sometimes is of a man-made variety. You don't always need to be held, sometimes you want to put your date in the drawer when you're done."

Boyd said he's even learned something from the discussion. "In reading the posts I found names for devices I never knew existed. I’m a guy, I always thought single function, single purpose, but that’s not the case. It’s a whole new world, and like little Alice, we’re curious about what really is out there in Wonderland," he said.

Della Casa had other suggestions to help the newly divorced explore their sexuality on their own. Her favorite sex toy site for women, Babeland, offers vibrators, books, movies, lotions and potions. "There are a number of ways to express and honor your sexuality and needs for sexual satisfaction without a partner," she said. "Some women enjoy long baths with candles for a more sensual experience. Some men are turned on by comic books. Think about what turns you on and makes you feel good and as long as it is safe, legal and doesn't hurt anyone else, enjoy it without feeling guilty or bad about it."