Relationship Traps to Avoid

WRONG REASON NUMBER 4:
Ignoring the signs of trouble.
If your mate easily gets angry with you and frequently loses control, it can be a telltale sign that problems in the marriage are right around the corner. But many people ignore the signs. “They see signs of troubled behavior but think it will get better when they get married,” Bartlein says.Often if this irascible or abusive behavior occurs in the engagement period, it will only get worse after marriage, unless the person is in counseling or therapy. “Some people think they will fix it after they get married.  Anything that is mildly annoying will be extremely annoying after you say ‘I do,’” she says.  

RIGHT REASON NUMBER 4: 
Talk about the future
Talking about a couple’s expectations of the future is one of the surest ways of making sure you’re both on the same page and share common values that can sustain a marriage, Davis says. Many couples don’t talk about whether they want to have kids, where they’re going to live, whether they’ll be a one or two career household. “Some people think things will work out magically when they get married, but that won’t happen,” she notes. The more you discuss your common visions for the future, the greater the chances the marriage will last.

WRONG REASON NUMBER 5: 
Keeping your blinders on.
Falling in love, too many people get blinded and don’t really get to know their mate, asserts Terri L. Orbuch, who runs the weekly “Love Doctor” call-in show at FOX-TV in Detroit and also serves as director of the Early Years of Marriage Project at the University of Michigan. What really keeps people together is “their friendship, intimacy and support,” Orbuch says. If you ask yourself, “If I lost my job or had a medical scare, whom would I go to for support,” that answer might reveal the real love of your life.  

RIGHT REASON NUMBER 5: 
Making your partner feel special.
One factor in successful marriages is making your partner feel special and worthy, particularly for men, Orbuch says. Because the friendships men establish often don’t have the depth of women’s relationships, men depend more on their spouse to feel special.  When women say, “I love you, you make my life exciting, or make their mate their favorite dessert,” it goes a long way to affirming their mate and contributing to a happy marriage, she says.  


RESOURCES:

• Michelle Weiner Davis’ Web site divorcebusting.com offers advice on avoiding divorce, making a marriage work and learning from others. The site is interactive and also promotes talking with other people who are striving to keep their marriage intact.  
• Terri L. Orbuch, a.k.a the Love Doctor, also has a site at www.drterrithelovedr.com.  Orbuch charges respondents $10 for a mini-session, entailing asking a question and getting a response, or $25 for three sessions.  
• John M. Gottman, a marital therapist who runs The Gottman Institute in Seattle, is one of the country’s most recognized experts on what makes successful marriages work.  His books such as "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," "The Relationship Cure and Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage," are available in paperback, aimed at a mass audience, and are very pragmatic and useful.   

Gary M. Stern co-authored "Minority Rules: Turn Your Ethnicity into a Competitive Edge (Harper Collins 2006)," a how-to business book helping women, African Americans and Latinos climb the corporate ladder.