Passionate Heart: Love and Seniors

    Divorce can happen whether you've been married three months, three years or even 35 years-- more or less. There is no set time during which a couple decides to end their marriage. It all depends on what precipitates the decision to divorce, when both people are finally ready to make changes and go their separate ways. After time has passed since the divorce and healing has happened, you may feel ready to open up to a love relationship again. When you have been married many years -- decades even -- this can feel like very new and scary territory. You might wonder if you are too old to enjoy that kind of love again.   

Despite what you may hear or even believe, you can never be too old to open up to the wonders of sharing love with another person. No matter how many years old you are or how long you've been “out of the dating game,” you can find the love relationship you desire. It might seem to you that you're not as attractive as you used to be or even that potential partners in your age group are not as attractive as you'd like them to be. You may also be paying too much attention to stereotypes about age and sensuality. We can't stress enough the importance of listening most to what you want and what you know to be true. Let that be your guide.  

Jerry had been married for over 45 years and is now in his 60s. Ending his marriage a year ago was difficult and caused a lot of upset among the family but he knows it was the best thing to do. His ex seems relieved and is moving on with her life. He's ready to do the same. The trouble is, Jerry feels over the hill, unattractive and keeps seeing ads for Viagra on TV -- which he doesn't need to take but it still makes him feel old and less capable of intimacy. A co-worker of his who is 15 years younger recently invited him to her dinner party. He finds this woman very attractive and has enjoyed their conversations during work. But he also feels rusty when it comes to dating and, again, too old for this sort of thing. At the same time, Jerry doesn't want to spend the rest of his life lonely and alone. Here are some tips to help if you find yourself in a similar situation, thinking you're too old for love.

1. Do what you love to do.
When you are hyper-focused looking for a love relationship, chances are you will become frustrated and wait a longer time than you need to. Create a vision of the dream relationship you want and then soften your focus. Let it go. Once you know what you want, you don't have to fixate primarily on that vision in order to attract it to you.  

Instead, do what you love to do. If you enjoy playing tennis, hiking, reading, computer programming, political organizing, volunteering, or whatever it is, do those things. Choose activities that you find fun and stimulating and you may find the next love of your life in those contexts. Or not. You might literally bump into the partner of your dreams just walking down the street or while buying groceries. What is most important is that you stay positive and fully engaged with your life.  

2. Stay open to possibilities.
Once you have that dream relationship vision in your mind, be sure to stay open. Just because you envisioned a blonde-haired partner, doesn't mean you will attract exactly that type of person. It is the essence and feeling of connection in your vision that you might recognize when it happens.
 
Jerry feels a little foolish being attracted to a woman so much younger than he is. She even still has teenagers living at home! At the same time, there is something about the way he feels when he's with this woman that makes him want to get to know her better -- despite their differences. Jerry and his co-worker may or may not develop a love relationship. But Jerry will never know if this is even possible if he shuts down because of his fears or notions of how things “should” be for someone his age.  

You never know what shape love can take in your life. Lead with your heart and know that you deserve to enjoy a love relationship at any age or stage of life.  Keep having fun and allow your dreams to come into reality.  


Susie and Otto Collins are the creators of passionateheart.com or http://www.collinspartners.com. They are relationship coaches and life partners. Their formal training has been with Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute and Comprehensive Coaching U and with Dr. Belinda Gore. They can be reached at webmaster@collinspartners.com.