Online Dating after Divorce

“So many people are afraid to just be honest,” said McDermott. “What’s wrong with saying, ‘You know I really like you. Where are you in terms of us as a couple? Are you feeling like you still want to shop? Or, do you want to settle down and see if this works?’ Just put it out there. We’ve become a society that’s always waiting for someone else to take the risk. If you like someone well enough, they’re worth the risk.”  

After all, if things don’t work out, it only takes 20 minutes to put up another profile.     

FOUR FACTORS TO CONSIDER BEFORE TAKING DOWN YOUR PROFILE

1. Decide if you have the time right now for online dating. 
Online dating can take a lot of time. As part of researching online dating, I posted my free profile on an online dating service. Within 48 hours, I had 52 e-mails and 138 winks. How do you spell o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m? If I were an active member, I’d have to hide my profile just to find the time to answer what’s in my inbox. Maybe a move, a job search or an illness is taking a lot of your time right now. Or, maybe, you’re off to hike Europe. Do you want all those e-mails piling up in your inbox? More importantly, do you want to risk ticking off someone who might possibly be the love of your life because you didn’t respond to their initial e-mail in a timely fashion? When life intrudes into your plans for romance, hiding your profile for a while can give you time to catch your breath. When things settle down, you can always surface it and before you know it, you’ll be back in the game. But, when you hide your profile, let any matches you’re currently in contact with know you’ll be offline for a while.  “Never burn a bridge,” said Dr. Gilda Carle Match.com’s weekly advice columnist for Suddenly Single, and founder of DrGilda.com. “If you’re going through a bad period, leave the door open to talk later on. Be honest. Say, ‘Look this is not the right time for me. Can I get back to you after I’m finished with all this and pick up where we left off, if you’re available?’”  

2. Decide whether it’s best to hide your profile or take it down. 
There’s a difference between hiding your profile and taking it down. When you hide your profile, you make it temporarily unavailable to other members. Hiding your profile is as simple as a click; but, while it’s hidden, you’ll have to keep paying your monthly membership fee. Taking your profile down means you’ve decided to stop being a member of this site. Maybe you’ve met your match or maybe you’re throwing in the towel because you haven’t had any luck at all. Or perhaps you need a long break because something has come up that needs your time and attention. Whatever the reason, you’ll have to contact the dating service and inform them so they don’t automatically bill you. Otherwise, you’ll be on permanent renew status. Many dating sites store their member’s data. So, if you do take down your profile and later decide to rejoin the same online dating service, you may be able to access the information stored on your page if you use the same username and password. On the other hand, why run the risk? Before taking down your profile, copy it and save it as a word document on your own computer so you don’t have to write a new one should you decide to give online dating another try in the future.  

3. Ask yourself if you’ve given this relationship enough time to know you want to be exclusive. 
In the early stages of a relationship, you’re just dating casually, which means you have the right to date others and so does your match. So, there’s no reason to take your profile down. “Online dating is an unbelievable opportunity. So, give yourself the opportunity to sample a whole bunch of different people before you commit yourself,” said Dr. Gilda. By not rushing things, you give yourself the chance to learn what really works for you and what doesn’t work for you. As you get clearer on your requirements, the superficialities such as how tall a match is and what color their hair is, fade away, which means when that right person comes along, you’ll be in a much better position to recognize them. “You’ll have a pretty good idea of whether there’s good chemistry by the third date,” said Dr. Gilda.  

4. What does my match think about this? 
When you ask your match for her thoughts about taking down your profiles, the conversation doesn’t have to be overly serious. Taking your profile down is not the same as getting engaged. It’s just an opportunity to more fully explore possibilities with a certain special someone. Likewise, don’t overwhelm your match by gushing on and on about how wild you are about him and how you can’t even concentrate on other men while he’s in your life. Just have a friendly conversation over glass of wine that goes something like, “Honey, we’ve been dating for three months now, what do you think about dating exclusively and taking our profiles down?” If your match says, “I’m really enjoying our time together. So, I think it’s a good idea to take our profiles down while we see what’s here for us,” then order the champagne and have a toast to possibilities. If your match says they still want to shop, wish them well in their search and keep getting those matches. In the world of cyber-dating, your new favorite four-letter word is NEXT!
 

Laurie S. Moison (Hall) has written for newspapers in Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, and Washington, D. C. Author of four books, including "An Affair of the Mind," she has lectured nationally on sexuality, forgiveness, ethics and spirituality. She can be reached at lhall@together.net.