Newly Divorced and Dating a Commitment-Phobe?

    There’s an epidemic in this country. It affects newly divorced women everywhere. It’s the commitment–phobic man. Now you might say, “This isn’t new news.” But like all uber-viruses, the gene appears to have mutated and grown more resistant to therapy over time. So it’s best to be armed. 

If you venture into the “Relationship” section of any bookstore, you will be inundated with books such as: “Getting to Commitment”, “Men Who Can't Love” and “What Smart Women Know” which is celebrating its’ Tenth Anniversary edition -- which tells women if we were truly getting smarter about men, there wouldn’t be a need for another reprint. Recognizing the problem to getting over it, so let’s take a look at some signs, symptoms and solutions.

Eliza Gibson, a party planner in New York City, has had a run of ‘bad luck’ with men. After her divorce five years ago she didn’t find it difficult to meet men. But meeting one who wanted a committed relationship was another story. 

“Because of my job I have to be very outgoing and accommodating. Plus, I work in extremely social situations so meeting men was a non-issue. I’m very independent and consider myself to be a fairly good judge of character. So when this happened more than once I got really confused. It just seems that as soon as I returned their affections, the phone calls would stop, I couldn’t count on the guy for Saturday nights anymore and I’d basically get pushed aside. These were the same men who ardently pursued me just a few months ago! Then as soon as I’d  ‘let it go’ or make a date with another guy they’d come back even stronger! I just don’t get it. I felt like I was on a hamster wheel.”  How do you know if your new guy will be the real deal? According to psychologist Rebecca O’Donnell of New York City, here are some red flags to keep an eye out for.


THE STRONG COME ON

Beware of men who come on strong and want intimacy too soon. They are charming, say all the right things and can be exceedingly romantic. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give love -- as it won't last forever. They are very good salesmen who have an agenda. Then they stop calling back, don't visit for long periods of time but always seem to have a valid excuse: “My Grandmother died," or  “I’ve been busy with work.”  

Carrie Teichman of Park Slope, Brooklyn, was dating a stand-up comic, and it was anything but funny. "He did keep late hours because of gigs but after a few months of him coming over at two or three a.m. it was getting old. There'd always be an excuse about why he couldn't meet me during normal hours, even for brunch or a walk in the park on a Sunday. He actually stood me up once and claimed he got so involved in writing his new set, 'He lost track of time.' I actually kept seeing him for a while longer because because when we were together it was amazing. He was so charming and physically our chemistry was great, but I knew (deep down) he'd never really commit. When I got honest with myself I was being treated more like a mistress than a girlfriend."