Her Mentor Center: Sex after Divorce

Q: For years I was in an unhappy marriage, raising kids and teaching school. I fantasized about being single and with other men. Now that I am, every relationship turns into a replica of my marriage, including the sex. Is there something wrong with me?    

A: There is always a honeymoon phase at the start of any relationship. You want your partner to be the perfect catch and he’s on his very best behavior. This can be a dangerous combination, as you both collude and he becomes an idealized version of his real self.  In time, pretense falls by the wayside and what you’re left with is the reality of who he actually is – with all his warts and tics.  

It may be helpful for you to know that if you don’t understand what went on in the past you are more likely to repeat it. The truth is that we are all creatures of habit. In the psychological phenomenon that Sigmund Freud termed ‘repetition compulsion,’ a person reenacts a traumatic event repeatedly. This includes putting yourself in situations that have a high probability of the event occurring again. For instance, you say that you were in an unhappy marriage. Unless you examine the relationship mistakes you made and the part you played in them, you will inevitably end up in similar circumstances – with a different actor but the same scenario playing itself out.  

If you haven’t already, you need to recognize that there are fundamental differences between women and men. And your partner can’t satisfy all your needs. Perhaps you want to confide in him about a problem or discuss the demands of balancing home and work. When you are frustrated or discouraged, you may have to draw strength from people other than him. Turn to your women friends for support - they will more likely understand what you’re dealing with and know how to help.  

As rich as your fantasy life was before your divorce, getting back into dating can be overwhelming and a sexual relationship with a new partner can be stressful. You confront a unique array of issues – most importantly, how do I leave the baggage from my marriage behind and enjoy my sexuality again? Many women have a poor body image and low self-esteem at the end of a difficult divorce. A bad marriage can leave you feeling unattractive and undesirable. Know that this is common and you are not alone.  

If you really think that something is wrong with you, get a referral to a therapist or coach from a friend who has been in a similar position. Focus on what’s troubling you and set personal goals for this new chapter in your life. Give yourself some alone time. Take it slow and pay attention to your needs and desires. Think about joining a book club, a hiking group or a volunteer organization that will expose you to like-minded people. For the first time in many years, enjoy the exciting possibilities that are before you. Trust that a healthy relationship that is right for you will come along just about the time when you are ready.


Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.