Her Mentor Center: Dating after Divorce

Q: With the children grown and a well-paying job, there was absolutely no reason to stay in a 30-year loveless marriage. I have been dreaming about being independent for years. Now that I’m divorced, men are on my mind. Where do I begin? 

A: First off you may want to take a deep breath and just relax into the idea of being single. The actual reality of being with other men may be a little more intimidating than the fantasy. So give yourself a break and begin this new chapter in your life by getting involved in ways that keep you active and engaged. Join a gym or hiking group, take a wine tasting seminar or a photography class.

Enjoy the process – and if you meet people you want to get to know better, then that’s a fringe benefit. If you have been a Sandwiched Boomer busy raising children and building your career, you may have thought very little about what you really want for youself personally, let alone what you need in a relationship. Spend some time figuring out who you want to become.

Ask yourself some questions: What makes me feel most alive? How do I want to challenge myself? What was I passionate about as a young woman? How can I integrate my values into plans to nurture myself?
 
Talk about these issues with other women and see how your friendships deepen. Moving forward, get involved in a divorce or support group -- you’ll be surprised by what you learn about yourself. You are now on your own, so you can do what you want at a pace that suits you.

When you feel ready, begin to socialize in ways that feel comfortable. Most important of all, be authentic. Don’t do anything that is inconsistent with your true self just to please someone or get what you believe you want at the time. Wear what makes you feel good, not what you think will impress others. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Try not to waste your precious time acting or pretending. As a mature woman, you likely have rich life experiences and accumulated wisdom.
 
Yet emotional baggage in later life – commitments to elderly parents, grown children, in-laws or work -- can complicate new relationships. Be honest with anyone you go out with more than a couple of times and learn all you can about him and his circumstances -- proceed slowly and with your eyes wide open. While you may want to give each other a fair chance, make it easy for either of you to walk away by being as straightforward as you can about how you feel.

Of course, finding love isn't always easy, especially as you get older – there are fewer men in the dating pool and they often want to be with younger women. Getting back in the game also means getting on with your life. And if you have a career that you appreciate and interests to pursue, maybe you don't want to compromise these in order to be in a committed relationship. There’s a sense of confidence, increased self-identity, clearer priorities and a strong support system that often comes with age. Just remember, you’re in charge now and calling the shots -- don’t limit your options.

Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.