Her Mentor Center: Dating after Divorce

Q: My divorce has been final for a year already, but I have not wanted to begin going out again. It's been so long since I have had to deal with dating and I really don't know what is required now as far as sex is concerned. What do men expect?  

A: Not surprisingly, it depends on the guy, the gal and the dating relationship. Some men expect a physical relationship early in the dating game while others do not. It can be awkward, but it's really up to you to set your own timetable, depending upon your desire and comfort level. Assuming it's been awhile since you were with someone other than your ex sexually, you don't have to rush things. Slowly learning more about a new man you are dating and at the same time becoming more in tune with your own sensuality will help you know when it is time to make the decision.  

Before you consider sex with a date, focus on developing affection, closeness and even a bit of romance between you. Creating some mystery and excitement in the relationship will lead to a desire for intimacy by both of you. Many women choose to be patient and take small steps toward trusting a new partner and feeling emotionally satisfied before becoming sexually active with him.  

When you think about having sex with a new partner, first examine how your relationship has been growing. How is your communication? Are you laughing and having fun together? Are you satisfied with the emotional intimacy? Does he genuinely seem to care about you? How do you manage tension and disagreements? Do you discuss issues that are causing problems? You certainly don't want to use intimacy as a bargaining tool when there are stressful, unresolved issues in your relationship. You will need to deal with them directly so that they do not spill over into decisions you are making about your sex life.  

Before you are ready to become physically intimate, think about the precautions you will need to take with your new partner. No matter what the man in your life says or does, it is also your responsibility to protect yourself physically from sexually transmitted diseases as well as pregnancy and emotional pain. Visit your doctor and learn about the new methods of protection available to you.  

Without the baggage of your past relationship history, you may find that a new sexual relationship is actually less stressful and more carefree. You may even feel less inhibited, exploring new techniques of expressing your intimacy. Studies have shown that an active sex life slows the aging process, so your efforts to find a satisfying partner will be doubly rewarded.    


Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.