Getting Back with Your Ex

    Rapper Eminem may be known for his controversial lyrics, but he is equally known for his on-again, off-again relationship with his wife -- they have been married and divorced several times to each other.  

A situation that only famous people get placed in? Think again. It happens all the time to people who are teachers, professionals and average parents. Is it ever appropriate to get back together with an ex-spouse?  

"I can see all different kinds of circumstances why you might end up dating someone you've broken up with," said Jessica Bollinger, a therapist in Lexington, Ky. "I think what you can bring in to dating your next spouse is a new beginning, taking in and bringing in new learning that you have about relationships, because we're different people every day, and we're changing and growing every day. You're kind of bringing in your new self."  

People can always tell when they are falling for an ex-spouse again. "That's a natural thing to come up to people. It's not an accident...," said Catherine Tucker, a therapist in Sacramento, Calif. The questions you should ask if that happens to you, she said: "What do you want to do? Is it an unresolved relationship? Have they worked on it before? Have they been to therapy? Has it not worked?"

"If they've done it all, they need to say, 'This won't work. Let's not do this. We have the kids and everything else. If we want to try this, we can't just have these little rendezvous.' I guess I'd have to ask myself this. How does it serve me to stay stuck? Why am I allowing myself to remain emotionally stuck, instead allowing myself to stay here?"  

"A couple gets a divorce and has their reasons for doing that, and after the divorce can decide for any number of reasons that they want to get back together again," said Kevin Rhinehart, a social worker and marriage therapist in Boise, Idaho.  "That can be a good idea, I suppose, provided that there's been a real honest assessment of why they got divorced in the first place, and how each of the parties contributed to that, and how they contributed to the overall dysfunction in the marriage."

Avoiding an important discussion about problems could harm your second attempt. "If those issues haven't really thoroughly been addressed, what they're asking to do is to replay the whole drama out," Rhinehart said.

"People also want to get back together, because there is that sense of love and attachment missing in divorce. They may be lonely, afraid or in a financially difficult situation, and those kinds of factors tend to push people in the direction of wanting to get back together," he said, "and often, people can't figure out their own minds."  

Catherine Tucker agreed. "There's a reason why people got divorced, and if you haven't really resolved your own reasons within yourself, you're setting yourself up for problems again," she said.  

Therapist Jessica Bollinger said the second marriage can work if people change their ways. "Being able to re-date and reconnect with an ex would be about learning new things about your ex and bringing in your new self back to the relationship," she said. Bollinger said you can learn about yourself and life with time, and so you may have changed. "You might have new relationship tools to be able to work out whatever the disconnection was before...You might have gained a lot of insights to be able to realize we might not have been that far off base with each other in the previous relationship, and maybe we can make an effort and it can be successful."

Tucker warned, however, that partners shouldn't be hopeful. "Actually, I know people who have gotten back with an ex, and does it work? Sometimes, the answer is yes. Occasionally, though."   

No relationship works when people don't put an effort into it. "The statistics are that people don't know relationships will work, and everyone's relationships take work, and when a relationship requires some conscious work, a lot of people just exit, and then you get up, getting divorced," Bollinger said.

She suggested that former partners, "Be curious. You don't have to make a commitment right away, and just take it as it is. A lot of people have gone and divorced without doing a little bit of work to see what was triggering someone -- their partner and vice versa. Why not get back together and work on it? It might not be too late."