Finding Love in Cyberspace

    When Dr. Judith Silverstein’s husband, Dr. Andrew M. Silverstein, died of renal cell carcinoma in 2000, her loss was great. Andy was deeply devoted to his family and highly respected by his colleagues. Writing about him in the American Journal of Neuroradiology Drs. David Greene and Patricia A. Hudgins said, “From the moment Andy came to our practice, it was as if a ray of sunshine had settled over us. He was upbeat, optimistic, enthusiastic, and energetic, bringing joy and excellence to everything he did.”  

When you’ve been loved by someone lik him, where do you go to find a new love? If you’re one of the 74 percent of Internet users who say they’re single and looking for romance, you do what Dr. Silverstein did. You turn to cyberspace. “I don’t go to bars and I didn’t want to go on blind dates,” said Dr. Silverstein. “I wanted to do it just right.”  

Her cybersavvy daughers and neice helped her set up a profile and download her photos. Soon, Dr. Silverstein was surfing for possible matches. Once thought to be the exclusive domain of the social klutz, online dating has become an increasingly popular way for busy professionals to meet their match. According to 2007 statistics from “Online Dating Magazine,” more than 20 million people visit at least one online dating service per month. In addition, at least 31 percent of adults say they know someone who has used an online dating service.  

Industry experts expect online dating to be a billion dollar business by the end of the decade and that’s because Cupid’s arrows hit their mark in cyberspace. Fifty-three million Americans know someone who has gone on a date with a match they met online. Moreover, 30 million Americans say they know someone who has either married or been in a longterm relationship with someone they met online.  

Finding that someone takes work. “I decided to be completely proactive,” Dr. Silverstein said. “I had certain things that were very important to me and online dating allowed me to find out if someone had those qualities up front. So, when I found someone who looked like a fit, I contacted him, even though that flew in the face of what I was taught as a teenager — that I should wait for the man to make the first move.”  

Her strategy paid off. In the first six months Silverstein was online, she went out on eight to 10 coffee dates with interesting matches. One or two rated a second date. Then, she saw Michael Lasky’s profile. “I looked at it and said, ‘that’s the guy,’” she said. Lasky was a patent attorney based in Minneapolis. Silverstein was a dermatologist practicing in Atlanta. The chances they would have met in the offline world were slim to none.  


ONLINE DATING CAN HELP

According to the U. S. Census, 10 percent of Americans have been divorced. The Stepfamily Association of America reports that 95 percent of those who’ve divorced will eventually remarry. Love is not always more beautiful the second time around. Seventy-six percent of second marriages fail within five years. The grim news is 87 per cent of third marriages and 93 per cent of fourth marriages also end in divorce within five years.  

Yikes! How can you improve your odds for happiness? First, before you start looking for that next Prince or Princess Charming, you have to take responsibility for the outcomes you’ve created in your life, says Dr. Gilda Carle, Match.com’s weekly advice columnist for Suddenly Single.  

“People who’ve been divorced go through what I call the bipolar divorce syndrome. It’s high highs and low lows and lots of who’s going to love me next?” Dr. Gilda said. “Get some therapy so you can get off that whole victim thing. Once you start taking care of yourself, listening to your own sad story becomes very boring.”  

Once you’re done pointing the finger at the ‘evil ex,’ you’re emotionally ready for a new relationship. If you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, you might be kind of rusty on those flirting skills. Not only that, but if you’re part of the fastest growing segment of online daters, suddenly single baby boomers, it’s been a long time since those golden college years when there was a fraternity roll every weekend, so there are fewer singles in your social circle. Enter online dating with plenty of fish and online advisers to help you navigate dating challenges.  

Online dating services give you something else that you didn’t have the first time around — the opportunity to evaluate someone’s compatibility scientifically before you fall in love. “Traditionally, people have looked at similar interests as indicators of compatibility,” said Dr. Pepper Schwartz, founder of PerfectMatch.com, “Going skiing together isn’t the thing that’s going to make for long-term happiness.”Today, Lasky and Silverstein are married.  They are also the authors of “Online Dating for Dummies,” sharing with other cyberlove hopefuls the practical, proven strategies they used for everything from selecting the right dating site and establishing their Internet identities to building their profiles and protecting their privacy as well as how to easily make the transition from email to phone call to meeting in person.

SCIENTIFICALLY DESIGNED MATCHING

The old adage that opposites attract has been replaced with a new theory that people who think about and live life in similar or complementary ways have the kind chemistry that leads to a profound connection that will go the distance.  

To help singles identify those whose chemistry might match their own, Dr. Schwartz took the Myers-Briggs personality test to the next level. Myers-Briggs is typically used in business settings to determine if someone is a good fit for a particular job and/or team. After studying the literature on love and romance, Dr. Schwartz created a set of questions that would measure characteristics important to the “fit” in romantic relationships. She also looked at how different personality types “fit” together. For example, some people are risk takers when it comes to falling in love. They just dive right in. “That might be scary for someone who is more risk averse,” said Dr. Schwartz.