Dr. Romance: Avoiding Dating Pitfalls

    There are two kinds of dating -- One I call "Hollywood Dating" because it's based on romantic and phony media images and fiction -- that's the one where you go out with a stranger, both of you have to be beautiful people, you spend a lot of money on a romantic date,and you fall in love forever. Not very realistic. Then, there's the method I recommend, which I call the "get a life" method. That is, you develop a social circle you enjoy (college is an ideal place for this) and spend time with friends, doing things that are productive and things that you enjoy. If you allow this social circle to be large enough, you'll find plenty of people to date, and you'll already know what kind of people they are before you date them.

The good thing about old-fashioned dating was that people got a chance to know each other before sex. Having sex too soon clouds your judgment, and makes it difficult to make an intelligent choice of partner. If you're just having "sport sex" and don't want the relationship to mean anything, it's OK, as long as you take care of your health and safety. But, if you want a relationship that's enjoyable and lasting, you have to go a little slower.

I think most people are looking for love, partnership and companionship.

I actually believe in going "Dutch." I think it creates equality in the relationship, and also prevents one person from thinking he or she is buying the other. Either share the cost, or take turns paying -- you'll find that the relationship is a lot more balanced. If one of you has a lot more money than the other, the one with less money can cook at home, or do something creative that costs less. If the energy is balanced, the cost doesn't have to be. Inviting someone out on a date and paying is a very romantic thing to do, and should be saved for when you know enough about each other to want to show you care.

If you barely know each other, then introduce yourselves as "friends." If you have an understanding that you're exclusively dating (you should never assume you have this without talking about it) then you agree to say "girlfriend and boyfriend" or even "sweetie" Save "significant other" or "partner" for when you have made a formal commitment. Just make sure you both agree how you want to be introduced before describing your date as any more than a friend.

Internet dating sounds easy, but it's rife with pitfalls. You're missing so many of the cues you get from seeing a person face-to-face, not to mention from seeing him or her interact with other people. Despite the fact that Internet dating is hugely popular, I doubt if it's very successful for most people. I teach my clients what cues to watch for in a profile, and in e-mail conversations, how to protect yourself from fraud, and how to safely meet face-to-face.

If you do connect with someone onlin, and the relationship develops, make sure that person's friends as soon as possible. Have him or her meet your friends. Do a lot of group activities, don't begin by being alone together. A con artist can easily fool you one-on-one, but will have a harder time in a group, and the group will guard your safety. You'll get to see the grittier aspects of your date's personality when you share group activities, especially if they are challenging. If you think something you say will ruin the relationship, then screw it up right away -- you want to know if you two can work through difficulties.

Here are some warning signs to look for. If you find them, be careful and try discussing them with your date. No one is perfect, and the best of dates may exhibit a warning sign or two. Most of them are not fatal, and they may not mean the worst, but if you talk them over and work them out, you will find out how you deal with problems together.


HOW TO AVOID DATING DISASTERS

1. Too Charming/ Practiced at this.
If your date is not at all nervous, awkward and never at a loss for words, you may be very impressed. Such a polished approach is very attractive and pleasant to be around. However, there could be a down side to this smoothness. It can mean that you're dating a professional dater someone, unlike you, who's dated a lot, and is therefore very practiced and comfortable.

This is fine if you just want to have a good time dating. But, if you're going to get attached, if you want a more meaningful relationship, or if you want a commitment from someone, this is not the person.

2. Angry Outbursts, Heavy Drinking or Talking about it.
Watch Out: If your date is able to drink a lot without showing it, that's a sign of alcohol tolerance such a person is used to drinking. It might be a warning that you're dating an alcoholic whose drinking doesn't show readily, but who still has serious problems. If your date drinks more than one or two drinks in an evening, or two glasses of wine with dinner, pay attention.

Out of control behaviors, such as rage (perhaps at the waitress, or while driving the car) too much drinking, talking about drinking too much, missing work, or being depressed can be clues about serious problems that can make a healthy relationship impossible. If you get such clues, be very careful, and go slowly until you have a chance to see if they really do indicate problems.