divorce360.com provides help, advice and community for people
contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it,
including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues.

after-divorce  :: love
Print
Email

Don't Make The Same Mistake Twice!


Don't Make The Same Mistake Twice!


Dating Again? Use These Five Tips On Every Date!


By TINA TESSINA

    You’re fresh out of a disaster, and you are terrified of the thought of dating again, but you’re going to try anyway. Good for you!  Here are some guidelines to help you avoid repeating old mistakes: 

1. Pay Attention!
You Have Things to Learn Here! The most important aspect of this date, in addition to having a good time, is to get to know each other better. No matter how excited, turned on or thrilled you may be about this date, listening to what your date says, watching what your date does and understanding how your date feels are still your primary objectives.   


2. What Your Date Thinks of You Is Not Your Business.
Your Business Is What You Think of Your Date. One of the easiest ways to lose your objectivity and balance in this is to worry about what your date thinks about you. If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through your date's eyes, guessing what he or she is seeing when looking at you, or hearing when listening to you, you'll miss what's really happening. You're supposed to be evaluating the other person, not pretending to look at yourself through his or her eyes. Pay attention so you know what YOU think of your date.    

3. Look for Integrity.
Make sure your date walks his or her talk. Anyone can talk big. Actually, some of the best people don’t present themselves well — don’t overlook someone who is not gorgeous, charming and glib, but has all the qualities you really need in a partner. 

4. Be very consistent and careful about your sexual safety.
Until the relationship progresses to the point that you become monogamous, and both have been tested for STD’s, be careful. The nicest people can be infected with a disease and not even know they have it. If you have had unprotected sex, have your doctor do a screening for STD’s. Don’t assume your partner is monogamous — especially if you haven’t discussed it in detail. 

5. Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
A demand: Your date won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
Resistance: When every discussion turns into an argument.
Pressure: Your date pressures you to go along.
Threats: Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering. Hopefully, because you've thought about the serious issues in advance, you'll still be able to relax and have a good time — so good, that you decide to keep dating each other. Then, you'll need a whole new set of skills.

(From the "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again," Wiley 2002.)   

Tina Tessina, Ph.D., has been a licensed California psychotherapist for more than 30 years. She has authored more than 11 books, including "Money, Sex and Kids"; “The Commuter Marriage: Keeping your Relationship Close While you’re Far Apart”; "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free"; "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again"; and, “It Ends with You: Grow Up and Grow Out of Dysfunction.”  Tina can be reached at tina@tinatessina.com.




divorce New this week::

Transition Institute: Telling Your Spouse You want to Split - Mental Health: The Dos, Don'ts of Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

 

Your Kid Wants To Live With Ex - Tips On How To Cope If Your Child Wants To Change Homes

 

Living with a Habitual Liar? - Relationships: Four Ways You Can Tell if Your Spouse is Telling You a Whopper

 

divorce Community::
popular blogs
Best weight loss pills ever
Losing weight is a commitment that one has to make by itself and it requires...read more 

get/give answers
Site obviously taken over by spam...
Haven't been able to get onto this site for at least a week, the webpage...Read Answers/share yours 

expert Q&As
Faith Therapy : Does a Separation Work?
My Husband and I Are Having Trouble. Is It a Good Idea for Us to Separate?...read more 

Stress Relief: Tips to Help after Separation
Mental Health: Overwhelmed by Changes in Household Routine. What Should I do?...read more 

About Law: Do Divorce Kits Work?
Legal: What You Should Consider When You Think About Divorcing Using a Kit...read more 


expand information center
divorce360.com's ecards
ADVERTISING PARTNERS

Find divorce professionals in your area

Find lawyers
Find financial professionals
Find coaches
divorce focused content ::
divorce most popular ::
1. Are You Reading Your Spouses Text Messages?
Stop! It May Be Illegal & May Hurt Your Case

2. Eager To Check Those Texts?
Think your Spouse is Cheating? Professionals Can Check Text Messages

3. The Signs Of A Controlling Spouse
If Your Spouse Is Doing This, They Are Controlling

4. 8 Things No One Ever Tells You about Divorce
Number Three May Surprise You

5. They Won't Leave? Now What?
You Want a Divorce, but Your Spouse Won’t Leave. Here’s How to Get 'em out