Can Cougar Relationships Last?

Q: It's been almost four years since my divorce and I've been doing OK as a single mom. But now I've met a really great guy and I think it may develop into something more than just dating. What's the problem? He's 12 years younger than me. Do you think this can work out? 

A: You are not alone in your attraction to a younger man. It's been over 40 years since Mrs. Robinson scandalized America when she seduced Benjamin in the movie, "The Graduate." Nowadays, celebrities such as Demi Moore and Madonna have married men 15 and 10 years younger and others like Susan Sarandon and Halle Berry have soul mates who are also much younger. They would tell you that "age ain't nothing but a number."  

In fact, women dating and marrying younger men is a growing trend. An AARP study in 2003 found that 34 percent of women over 40 had dated younger men; in a recent online survey, that figure rose to 67 percent. U.S. Census Bureau figures from 2000 indicate that 12 percent of all marriages were between older women and younger men. 

This phenomenon is increasing as career-oriented women become more financially secure, powerful and self confident. They don't have to depend on men to support them or give them social status, both of which expand their choices for a life partner. Whether or not your particular relationship works out depends on the same kind of challenges that affect any relationship – shared priorities, degree of emotional engagement, financial goals, mutual respect, to name a few. You will need to examine and work through these issues in order to determine if you two have staying power.  

There are some particular difficulties that could emerge because of your age difference -- for example, you may be on different timetables as far as having children are concerned. Since you already have children from your first marriage, this may not be a significant issue for you. Another potential difficulty may come from your family, or his, if they are not supportive of the relationship. Or your friends or colleagues at work may have an unfounded prejudice against the age difference and question your judgment.  

On the other hand, many women find that there are positives to dating younger men. Being more attentive and supportive, they can be less demanding than older men. Often they are more fun, exciting and adventuresome. Sexuality certainly plays a part too, with a younger man's capabilities matching a mature woman's sexual appetite and comfort level with her sensuality. And often women dating younger men say that they are more motivated to stay in shape, making them feel younger too. 

With more unattached young men available as partners than men in their 40's, many older women find that they meet them more easily. And having already accomplished professional goals and feeling secure within themselves, older women may have fewer unrealistic expectations about the relationship.  

So, if you and your new young man share interests in common -- and he supports you and respects your needs -- why not give it a try. Enjoy his companionship as you get to know each other better and see if the relationship continues to grow into something more.  

Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.