Beware the Mama’s Boy

    If your boyfriend,  betrothed or spouse has a weird attachment to his mother, if she controls most of his life, relationships and finances, your Mr. Right may be a mama’s boy. We’ve read about guys like this, seen them in movies like “Failure to Launch.” He’s even scared us to death in “Psycho.” He’ll have Mommy Dearest pay the bills, buy his clothes, watch his diet and choose his dates and finance. In short, she runs his life. And while he may resent it, it’s one relationship he can’t seem to sever. Some mums have even been known to call themselves his soul mate.  

In Avoiding Mr. Wrong, author Stephen Arterburn, notes, “The mama’s boy is different from other people. He is too enmeshed with mama and needs to develop his own identity. His problem is his problem, even though it impacts you big time. He is really a scared unhappy little boy who only wants mama to love him. The clinical term for mama’s boy is Passive-Aggressive Personality, which is the same as passive-dependent. He is overly dependent on his overly controlling mother.  

In "The Dating Cure: The Prescription For Ms. Picky, Ms. Eternal Bachelorette, Ms. All About Me, Ms. Can't Let Go, And Ms. Matrimony," author Rhonda Findling notes, Mama’s boys are in essence, boys in men’s clothing. They’re like little toddlers wanting to be emotionally fed by their girlfriends and wives.”  

Dr. William July, author of "Confessions of an Ex-Bachelor: How to Sift Through All the Games Players to Find Mr. Right," notes that the infamous mama’s boy is a man who isn’t looking for a wife, but his mother. “Mama’s boys tend to marginalize relationships with women,” says July. “They’re selfish with other women because they know they can get love and attention from mama.”

He explains that other women aren't going to be as important, adding, “These guys won't stand up to mama when they love a woman mama doesn't approve of.” July also points to a lack of self-sufficiency when it comes to common chores. “Mommy will be burdened doing his laundry, cooking most of his meals and performing an excessive amount of errands or organizing for him.” Women also need to listen to their men to pick up tell-tale mama’s boy clues. ”If he mentions his mother in a way that sounds more like a child than a man, you may have a mama’s boy,” says July. “The mama's boy talks about his mother in a way that sounds as though she's right there calling the shots instead of simply sounding respectful.”  

If you’re stuck with a mama's boy, they can definitely be hard to live with. “They drain relationships by causing the wife/girlfriend to have to live up to a standard she can't meet,” says July. “She has to try to be everything that the mother is and that isn't an appropriate role for a wife/girlfriend! Meanwhile, she can be undermined by the mother at anytime for anything.”  

Now the question many love struck women are asking: Can I learn to live with a mama's boy? Can they be cured? “I wouldn't recommend that a woman try to learn to live with a moma’s boy,” warns July, adding, “Unless she's ready, willing and able to accept that the mother will have more power and influence in the relationship than she will.”

As far as changing them, the road is difficult and arduous. “These guys can change, but change takes the reinforcement of one's environment. Usually, the mother continues to encourage this type of relationship and the son doesn't refuse the royal treatment he's receiving. As a result, there's no change.” A girlfriend/wife can try to leverage her position, but competing with mom can be an uphill battle.