After Divorce, Dump the Baggage

    You’re finally back in the dating scene after your divorce and you’re sipping your chai latte while your date drones on and on about his “ex.” It’s a first date blow by blow of how she cleaned him out. Or, maybe, you’re the guy in this scenario and you’re being treated to litany of horrors at the hands of a long line of jerks. Either way, your eyes glaze over.              

Dealing with the ghosts of marriages past is one of the major ways dating after divorce differs from the way you dated the first time around. If you don’t want to be the next “ex,” you need to know what you’re taking on before you fall in love. As a result, some dates ask probing questions about why a great catch like you is back in the market. And, some are still so caught up in their pain that they’ll tell you way more than you wanted to know.              

So, when do you unpack your baggage with a potential new love? And how do you check their baggage? Here are 10 tips to help.  

1. Unpack your own baggage before someone else checks it.
It’s not uncommon to start dating before the ink is dry on the decree. But, experts say you should tend to your wounds first, or you’re likely to unpack your baggage in a way that comes off as needy and attract the same. “Nobody gets into a committed relationship in anticipation of it breaking up. Instead, they have high hopes of a loving collaborative relationship. What people have to realize is there is only one word to use to describe the conflicting feelings following a break up. That word is grief. We’ll call it burn out or a lot of stress, but we won’t call it grief because we only want to associate that word with a death. Yet, when a relationship breaks up, that is a death. It’s not only the death of a relationship, it’s the death of hopes and dreams and expectations that were embodied within the relationship,” said John James, co-author with Russell Friedman, of “Moving on: Dump Your Relationship Baggage and Make Room for the Love of Your Life.”  

A key sign that your baggage is still locked in the overhead compartment: you can’t stop talking about what happened. That’s OK because processing is part of grief. However, you’re still hooked to the past, which means you’re not able to be in the present. “If people don’t grieve their losses, particularly if there have been a series of losses, their own unresolved past conspires behind the scenes to kill any new relationship,” said James.  

How long does it take to work through the grief? Some experts say at least two years. Others say at least one year for every six years of the marriage. Key signs that you’ve put the past to rest are a lot less negative energy around what happened and a willingness to take responsibility for your part in the failure. Even if the relationship failure was 99 percent the fault of your ex because they were a total psycho, you still picked them. You need to grieve that decision and find out why you made it so you don’t repeat that disaster.    

2. Baggage inspection depends on what type of dating you’re doing.
There are different kinds of dating. When you’re first getting back into dating, you need to rebuild your life and have some fun. You also need to get clear about what you’re looking for in a future partner. The boundaries in recreational dating are different than they will be when you’re finally ready for a soulmate. So, if you’re asked for a relationship resume, keep it short and try to make it sweet.  

“Be clear that you’re just looking for fun. You don’t have to be forthcoming about your deepest secrets. You don’t need to talk about your baggage until you’re ready for a serious relationship and if you’re having trouble taking about it, that might be a sign you’re not ready,” said David Steele, M.A., author of “Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World.” Steele is a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who founded the Relationship Coaching Institute to train helping professionals coach singles and couples to achieve their relationship goals.  

Carolyn Ellis, founder of Thrive After Divorce, agrees. “You don’t want to engage in the nitty gritty because it’s inconsequential. Keep it light. Don’t spend a lot of time debriefing your past history. It’s a real kill joy,” said Ellis. Try simple answer such as, “I was married 10 years and we divorced three years ago. My ex and I have an amicable relationship.” Or, if they really are the “ex” from hell, “While sometimes things are challenging, I keep working to make sure I’m handling things in a way that’s respectful of us both.”    

3. Practice putting it out there when it doesn’t matter.
Once you’re ready for serious dating, practice putting your stuff out there with people you’re not attracted to. “There’s a certain nervousness and awkwardness around talking about our past. Practice when it doesn’t matter how the other person responds so you can feel confident about how to say it when it does really matter,” said Steele.    

4. Realize you will have to let potential partners take a peak early on.
Once you’re ready to be serious about finding a soulmate, baggage becomes a screening criteria. So, it’s pretty normal for those you’re dating to be curious about why your former relationships ended and what kind of ongoing commitments you have and you’ll want to know about theirs. “If both people are divorced, you kind of want to gauge where they are. Some people will want to quiz you on the first date,” said Ellis.  

James thinks it’s best to put the baggage out there right away. “Sometimes, there are certain negatives about themselves that people specifically want to hide. Eventually, they’re on the third date and they’ve got a track record of not revealing something really important. Sooner or later, the other person will find out and feel they’ve been lied to by omission. We now have another loss of trust,” James said.