Oh Solo Mio: Resolutions after Divorce

    The new year is seen by many as a time for fresh starts and a renewed sense of self. While some hit the ground running with a deep sense of motivation and excitement, there are others who are downright overwhelmed by what steps to take first. This can be especially true after a life-altering event like divorce. If you are ready to start over, you're in luck. Read on for four resolutions you'll be happy to keep.    

1. Accept your Past and Move On:
There are all kinds of reasons people do what they do, say what they say and don't do what they should but spending your life trying to figure out what they all are is not going to do much to help you live in the moments of your here and now.

Take Action!
Give yourself time to grieve the ending of your marriage but don't set your grieving on "repeat" and allow your negative thoughts and feelings become habits. That's right, you're going to have to make conscious efforts to move through the grieving process and into your new life. The fact is, most men and women don't just "snap out of it" one morning which means that you could spend years trying to psychoanalyze your ex or sort through old memories that leave you wondering how you could have avoided your divorce or seen it coming sooner and lose out on dozens of chances to rebuild. Accept that whatever happened, happened. Get the help of a qualified counselor to help you sort through your pain, be grateful for the lessons you have learned and give yourself permission to move out of the pain of the past and into your present where you can work towards a better, brighter future. 

2. Make Friends with Change:
There are many men and women who view change as something negative, something that should be feared and avoided at all costs but the truth is that change is a necessary part of growth, development and success.

Take Action!
Think about all of the amazing things, people, experiences and opportunities that required you to change. If you have been unhappy, unhealthy and/or feeling stuck in a rut, change is exactly what you need to get back on track. Stay flexible and limber and know that you deserve room to grow, develop, rediscover and renew just like everyone and everything else.

3. Carve Out a Space For Yourself In The World and Don't Apologize For It!
It may seem noble to constantly put yourself on the back burner while you focus all of your attention on those around you but the truth is, unless you feel secure, healthy and appreciated, most of the energy you put out will be sprinkled with exhaustion, resentment or a feeling of being unappreciated and/or overwhelmed. Instead of sacrificing your needs, desires, health, dreams and whatever else, make time for your life in your life.

Take Action!
Whether you equate people-pleasing with being "lovable" or your need for control has you taking on more than you'd care to handle, stop. Tell your brother to hire a sitter, tell your ex to be on time, tell your colleague she needs to find someone else to cover for her and take steps each and every day to make your choices based on what you feel is fair and acceptable and not what you feel guilty about saying no to.  

4. Learn From your Mistakes:
No one is perfect and it isn't unlikely that you have said and done things that have led to outcomes you didn't anticipate or particularly enjoy. Instead of beating yourself over the head for your trip-up's, see them for what they truly are; opportunities to learn and grow into the better, wiser, more polished you. 

Take Action!
Whether it's related to your relationships, career, self-image or some other aspect of your life, think about the life you have had and the one you'd like to have all the while focusing on ways you can act and react differently. If you were too passive in the past, think about how being more assertive might benefit you. If you didn't trust your gut, make a promise to rely more on your instincts.  We cannot change others but we can change how we think, act and react which can have major and lasting impacts not only on how we see the world but also how the world sees and reacts to us.

Brenda Della Casa is the internationally published author of Cinderella Was a Liar (www.cinderellawasaliar.com) and has interviewed thousands of men and women on the topic of sex and love for her book, articles and a variety of relationship shows for which she helped cast.  Her site, Walking Barefoot, can be seen at www.strollwithoutshoes.com and the Cinderella blog can be seen at www.cinderellawasaliar.org