Four Christmases: Tips for Divorced Families

    Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of… whatever you got. With the holidays comes added pressure in addition to those five extra pounds. Not only are we supposed to feel happy and filled with the 'holiday spirit', we are also expected to spend 'quality time' with family. This isn't always the most peaceful of experiences, especially if you come from a divorced family. The commonality of being an adult child of divorce has spawned the holiday movie, "Four Christmases" starring Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon.

They play Brad and Kate, a long-term, although un-wed couple satisfied with their childfree life. Typically Brad and Kate spend their Christmas soaking up the sun in avoidance of the divorced hot-mess that is their extended families. This year trouble hits in the form of smog, grounding their flight and putting the kibosh on their Fiji getaway. This forces them to spend Christmas day with the four branches of their relatives. Replete with hick Dad, cougar Mom and wacky siblings, they are obliged to visit all four divorced parents whom they've successfully circumvented for years… all on Christmas morning.

Sound familiar? Well, maybe not exactly, but as an adult child of divorced parents, how do you make everyone happy, preserve your sanity and still deck the halls? Karen Stewart, founder of Fairway Divorce Solutions and author of "Clean Break: How to Divorce with Dignity and Move on with Your Life," helps us survive the holiday mania with 10 tips to navigate the egg nog drenched waters of this special season.

1. Set Aside Your Personal Battle.
Don't let your own agenda spoil your holiday. Stewart says, "Remember, your parents divorced for their own reasons. Although no longer together, they will love you (with opinions, protectiveness and all) no matter how old you grow."

2. Plan in Advance.
Good news! You don't have to clone yourself. Stewart advises, "You can celebrate Christmas Eve with your mom's family and Christmas Day with your dad's. Then the following year, switch these dates around."

3. Have Honest Conversations.
Use your words. Our expert advises,"(When in conversation)…rather than saying 'you', say 'I'. Saying 'you' sometimes makes people feel defensive, whereas 'I' helps them see your point of view more clearly."

4. Set Healthy Boundaries.
What would mom do if she couldn't ask inappropriate questions? Who would dad be if he weren't chronically late? Stewart reminds us,"Not everything always goes as planned, so you must prepare for that possibility and go with the flow."

5. Build Your Own Paradigm.
Ok, so you don't have the same threadbare stocking hanging from the staircase with the picture of the weird elf on it. That's ok. Stewart tells us, "This is your chance to build your own special kind of Christmas. Set the tone, set the rules, set the agenda."

6. Avoid Expectations.
That's like saying, "Don't think about kissing George Clooney under the mistletoe." Easier said then done. Stewart says we can help ourselves out by setting rules." …Avoid the 'shoulds' and only act on what works best for you and your immediate family."

7. Avoid Disputes.
Even if your half sister makes the Grinch look like Mother Theresa, it's better to sprinkle some powdered sugar on her words and eat them if only for the holidays. Stewart advises, "If these moments arise, take a deep breath and remember that you want to celebrate the holidays in good spirits and not one negative comment will change that."

8. Be Open and Honest with Your Children.
It's true that the holidays are extra special to the kids. Stewart says, "While there are a lot of balancing acts involved with separated families, allow your children to become the center of affection. The more family members (during the holidays) mean the more love that's shared and given.

9. Take Some Time Out for Yourself.
Ahhh, that ever elusive 'me time'. Stewart tells us to take advantage of extra family hanging around and have them take the kids for a few hours. Take off for an hour or two to a bookstore, grab a class at the gym, or even just chill out and watch a movie. It will give you time to decompress, center yourself and you'll have extra energy to open all those presents.

10. Have Fun and Be in the Spirit of Christmas.
No matter your religious affiliation, the holidays are all about giving and good will. Stewart reminds, "Your good spirits will be contagious and everyone will be joyous and happy." Even if you can't change other's 'Bah Humbugs' into 'jingle bells' know that just attempting to spread that good feeling is doing your holiday duty.