So, your ex has been hanging around, helping you out with things around the house, eating dinner with you and the kids, or just calling you up to talk about good times in the past. Then, one night, you wind up in bed together, and it’s great. Old, good feelings seem to be coming back. Can this really work, or will it just fall apart again? Here’s how to see if you and your ex can make it work.
1. Go very slowly.
Rushing into things means you’re trying to avoid some truths. Slow down. If it’s going to work, it go better if you go more slowly, and you’ll have a chance to build a better foundation than before.
2. Treat it like a new relationship.
Start from the beginning, and do it differently – it could work this time.3. Analyze what went wrong the last time, and consciously try to do it differently.
Talk about it with your partner (your ex). If you cannot talk honestly about what went wrong and what to do differently, you’ll never change anything.4. Make sure your ex is as determined to correct the old problems as you are.
If he or she is blaming you for everything that went wrong, disaster is imminent. If you’re blaming your ex, it’s just as big a problem.5. Insist on couple therapy for both of you.
Pre-commitment therapy can help you find out the pitfalls and whether you’ve solved the old problems.6. Talk to a therapist.
Consider seeing a therapist on your own, to get expert help to decide if you’re dating for the right reasons.Tina Tessina, Ph.D., has been a licensed California psychotherapist for more than 30 years. She has authored more than 11 books, including "Money, Sex and Kids"; “The Commuter Marriage: Keeping your Relationship Close While you’re Far Apart”; "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free"; "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again"; and, “It Ends with You: Grow Up and Grow Out of Dysfunction.” Tina can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.