Punish your ex 

I have been in counseling for 6 months now to try and get through the hurt, anger, sadness, grief, betrayal that comes from a husband leaving  because he has found his *soulmate*.  22 years ago I was his *destiny*.  We had our temporary hearing yesterday.  He asked our girls, 16 and 20, to call him throughout the day because he wasn't handling it very well.  Awwww...I'm sorry, are you upset?  Go to Hell. 

I'm sorry you are having difficulty in this situation.  But you have no idea how much it hurts to be completed blindsided by your spouse.  It is devastating.  Your world is turned completely upside down and it takes every ounce of energy to function.  Fortunately, my girls are older and were able to take care of themselves when I first found out.  There were days when it was difficult to get out of bed.  I feel for your wife having to take care of little ones.  I will pray for her because I know this is not easy.

 

Did you ever stop to think that your friends, family and co-workers may have a bad opinion about you because you did something bad?  Hello, infidelity, it's immoral. 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Try and make this an easy transition for your FAMILY.  You owe them that much. 

I would like to add my 2 cents worth here. Why not sit down with your wife and say something to this affect. I'm sorry for what I did to you and I didn't handle it properly. I should have told you first that there were problems so that we could have addressed them. I should have thought more about us  and the kids instead of just me. I cant change the hurt I have caused you but is there some way we can make the best of this situation for all concerned?

And let that sink in. She'll most likely berate you some more for your actions but just sit there and let her vent while you try to keep calm.

And just to let you know. Soul mates require just as much attention and work to keep going as a significant other.

I agree with HIC...What did you think would happen? Did you think you could just waltz off into the sunset and there not be ANY consequences? You ripped someone's life apart without giving them any control or say so in it and you expect nice now? I would imagine that your wife expected you to honor your vows...I imagine she expected you to stay in the family you helped to create, instead of going off with someone with the morals of an alleycat that will sleep with someone else's husband...someone she now has to allow to have some influence on her children, damn straight she is going to be angry. Meet in a public place for the kid's sake.

Let me see if I understand this correctly...you are beating yourself up because you feel bad about what happened, so that should absolve your ex from feeling any anger and expressing it to you?  Doesn't work that way.  A simple "I feel horrible about this, and I'm sorry, but I can't control my heart." really ain't gonna cut it.  You blindsided her, and she's lashing out, looking to hurt you in ways that you hurt her...that means all of the above tactics you mentioned...and if she thinks of any more, she'll throw that in too.

HIC's one sentence really does sum it up...these are the consequences for your actions, so you are going to have to deal with that.  As far as the custody exchange goes, Spaz's idea is an excellent suggestion...people are less apt to go off in a public place than in a private home...might keep the exchange civil.  I also agree with annabella...get the kids into counseling...they're going to need it.

To answer the question, "What would I do?"  Any text, e-mail, or letter I got from her, I would delete/throw away immediately if it doesn't have anything to do with the kids or the finances.  Start screening your calls...if it's an emergency, she'll leave a message.  If needs be, start referring all communication through your attorneys.  If kids need to be called, get them a seperate cell phone and she can call them on that when they stay with you.  If she really starts to get nasty, you tell her you don't want to talk to her any longer, and if she does continue to call, you will file a harassing tx report with the police and look into a restraining order with the court.  But that's what I would do.

I wish you luck in all this.

pt: 2

She has every single right in this world to be angry. I agree a police station or a public place needs to happen. But She probably has no other way to vent her feelings. Maybe YOU need to take your ass over there when the kids aren't there and take the verbal bashing you BROUGHT on yourself and give her the time to do it in! Oh wait I bet your cough *soulmate* doesn't want you to spend any more time with her!

If I had the chance I would find this woman that ripped my world apart I would love to take a roll of 'duct tape' and tape her fucking legs shut!

You need to rethink what YOU Sir did to your children in the first place...I do not think YOU were thinking of their best intrests when you were laying with this woman! but waitt NOW you are. hmmmmmm interesting.....Maybe just maybe what HIC said is tru, but not yet, mybe in 10 years this cough*soulmate* of yours will spread her legs once again for another married man! Don't even think this possibly wouldn't happen...I mean afterall she has really really GREAT morals and values now right? and such character!!! A woman that would break up a family with little kids! You really grabbed ahold of a winner there! wink*

Your a WUS!

I am in the same place right now....Although my boys are grown and married.I was married for 30 years. 15 mos ago I found out he was having an affair with his boss. I will tell you straight up where her anger is coming from: 1) You checked out of your marriage and didn't BOTHER to tell her until you were ready. 2) In doing what you did you not only changed the course of your life, but understand this,You changed the course of HER life, and she didn't even get a say in it at all! Her life, HER life, NO say. 3)Is she out of line? I think not. Your kids are in the line of fire! Is that wrong? Yes. She had the betral of ALL betrayls. Would you have left your kids alone at a theme park to have this affair? NO YOU left your kids alone with There Mother to HAVE this affair, where they were safe. NOW you are worried about the kids having to be in the middle of this. WHO put them in this situation? Is it fair to them now? No. Was it fair to them when you were laying with another woman? NO. Its called 'ramifications" of a choice YOU made. Her world is shattered, her world is the aftermath of a tornado now. Is she a mess? Does she have the right to be a mess? All she knows right now is her huband is sleeping with a woman who spreads her legs for married men! She ALSO is pissed because NOW this woman is going to be a part of her childrens lives! There is NOW a Woman that stands whe SHE stood. What can she do about it? Nothing! Answer this. I don't know if you have a daughter but sy you do.....How are YOU going to react when she comes to YOU and says Daddy, I just found out my husband is having an affair! Are YOU going to be angry? Your wife needs help, she needs someone to talk to to help her with this. In her eyes YOU are skipping off in the sunset with your *cough* soulmate....Where does that leave her? the Mother of your children? She is acting (I think) the way a bitter pissed off wife would be when they found out her husband is fucking another woman. (cont)

Look at it this way, if she loved you, she would want you to be happy, but something tells me she never loved you from the beginning. If she lover her children, she would not expose them to her childish antics. Likely not her fault though, too many people are raised these days to believe that you choose a mate based on what you want in life, nothing to do with love. When my soon-to-be-ex-wife came home from a date (we're sharing the house till the divorce is final) with someone she claims to likes, I saw her happy for the first time in 15 years, reminded me of who I married. For all those working on forgiveness, you are on the right track. Read the Bible (NT first) and you will find the basis of forgiveness, the reason it is ultimately important, and the reason nothing else matters in life. I'm barely making it through this thing called divorce the first time, I can't imagine what the second time is like.

Soulmate? You got me laughing...
Like HIC said......

WOW, yall people are freaking hurtful!

May she double on her antics towards you.   If you are looking for understanding or pity you came to the wrong place. Jerk. 

HIC, this is probaly the wisest thing that you have have ever stated....I am proud of you..

I am where your EX is at except this is my 2nd time around.....guess I wasnt done being angry....I cant for the life of me let it go.....I guess if I were asked how long would it take me to be over the anger? I guess my answer would have to be....."It took me about 6 or so years to get this way, it'll take me about the same time to get over it".....I have moved on, but it seriously makes me sick to know he moved on and now raising 5 other kids and was so selfish to leave his own family behind........

Best advice I can give you is just do what you can to keep the peace...I do have my days of calmness....to bad he never calls to check on his daughter to notice....instead he waits till 30 minutes till pickup to have anything to do with her....which causes resentment also (for my daughter).

She will get over it....one day......hang tight is all I can say....we all heal in our own time......

Sadly, I would have to say that are reaping what you have sown.   Your situation is no different than what many men will explain and justify and express when they decide to have an affair.  Your situation is not uncommon and expressed no differently than how many men have felt when they left their wives for an affair.

I believe that love changes in a million ways over the course of our relationships.  I believe that understanding those changes and honoring a commitment to the person and family you originally promised takes precedence over any "soulmate".  Those feelings of a "soulmate" will change in time as well. 

But, you have convinced yourself of "true love" and chosen this path.

And now you are facing the consequences of  the pathway you have chosen.  Unfortunately, right now it is dealing with your ex's anger....absorbing it and understanding it until she has learned the gracious gift of forgiveness.  Funny thing about forgiveness she will learn is that it is for her sake and sanity and beauty.

I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom or advice to offer you.  You might want to read some books on healing after an affair - so you can better understand what your ex is experiencing and how to handle it.

I am saddened by your situation, for it is always a tragedy when a family is destroyed.  I pray for peace for all of you.

Best thing I can suggest - and I'm only talking about how to avoid a conflict around the kids, is to do the exchange at a public place, like the police station OR have someone else pick them up for you (family member) or with you when you do get them. For obvious reasons this should NOT be your lover.

The lesson I am trying to learn from some others (much wiser and experienced than myself) on this site is forgiveness.  

Forgive yourself and your ex and find your peace and healing.   I cling to the message that some on these pages have urged as the final step in healing and peace.  It is forgiveness.      You did what you did.    You cannot undo it.    What you can do is allow yourself to love your new partner and your kids to the fullest degree possible and you cannot offer them that love and the best man you can be without first forgiving yourself and then your ex for all that has gone on in the past.  

After you have forgiven, only then they say can you truly love and live the very best life you can.     I struggle with this daily but I'm working on it hard.     Please join me.

Wow. Im in your exes shoes. But I dont behave that way. The hurt is immeasurable. I agree with HIC, you reap what you sow. However, for your kids sake, I hope that she would be able to put a lid on things - at least out of their eyes and ears. My advice? Suck it up. Go to counseling. Get your kids into counseling and suggest the wife go to. Do what YOU can to make up for what you have done and move forward. You tell us (D360) that you feel sorry and are remorseful for what you have done, but have you told her?????? If my STBX apologized to me for the things he has put me and our kids thru  (and genuinely meant it), I would forgive him in an instant and try to build a friendship for the kids sake. But, instead, my STBX HB has the nerve to treat me like sh*** and rub it in my face that he is dating an 18 year old (Im 37 and so is he). A sincere sit down and apology might be what she needs to hear. She is lashing out at you. You need to validate her feelings, because she has a right to be upset at you for breaking your vows and tearing apart your family. But, its also time to move on.

Accept it....eventually she will move out of the anger stage, then into grief. She will probably allow you to have more time with the kids because she will be paralyzed with the grief and unable to take care of herself let alone small children. Have you apologized? Did you ever think that you may of been HER soulmate and that she loved you the way your love your new woman? How would you feel if someday your new love walked out on you and into the arms of another? Try walking in your x's shoes for a moment, can you fathom that kind of pain?

You reap what you sow.