In response to a question posed to me by Heartbrokepicker.... 

Heartbrokepicker asked me this on someone else's question....I wanted to address it, but I felt it needed it's own space so hence, this blog....

Spaz. I just have to wonder if there is anybody out there anymore that knows how to keep a marriage together. This couple here are split because of work and losing or never being in touch with one another. What the heck is it all about anymore? What about all these marriage councelors that say things like "Soul mates are not perfect for each other. Soul mates love each other with all their imperfections. Soul mates love each other no matter what". I think that divorce should be outlawed unless physical or emotional abuse is the cause and counceling should have to be mandatory in all states in order to get divorced. Its like. Oh Gee. We goofed. Sorry but see you later. Nothing personal. Somebody has to have a better plan. 

HBP - I do hear the pain in your post - I hear the pain in most of your posts actually. My heart goes out to you.

There are millions of marital "success stories" mine being one of them - but the reason you don't hear about them is because they are off being happily married - they have no reason to come to a message board to extol their joy. They are gathered out with other people, in equal success stories, while those of you who it didn't work out for, are also gathered together to share....unfortunately it's pain you have in common. 

No one marries with the intent to divorce. The vows that were taken, although for some this is hard to believe, weren't just them lying through their pearly whites. They meant every word at the time. The thing is, if your marriage is going to fail, it was going to the second you exchanged "I do's" you just didn't know it yet. 

I agree with mandatory counseling, but not before divorce - by then it's too late - the damage has already been done - no, counseling should be mandatory before you are allowed to say "I DO". 

I know you are still stuck on me saying how your marriage was doomed from when it first started so let me elaborate....

You go into marriage with the problems that are going to eventually break you, if they aren’t dealt with correctly & effectively from the get go. For a lot of couples, too many actually, red flags are practically slapping them in the face but for some reason, they choose to ignore them…since I’m not the type to do that I’m admittedly clueless as to why anyone would - other than the age old saying “love is blind”.  

People bring insecurities, addictions, unresolved past loves, fear of confrontation, anger issues, bad credit, poor money management “skills“, overly frugal money management “skills”, selfishness, too giving to the point of draining themselves emotionally, poor communication skills, secrets….insert more here as I could go on all day….into a marriage. Sometimes it is well known but ignored (red flag) sometimes, and the worst of it, well hidden only to rear it’s ugly head later. 

Far too many people gauge readiness to marry on feelings, and do not address the practical part of it. They go into it with the unrealistic expectation that love is enough. It isn’t. 

Before you marry, in order for it to work, you have got to be able to talk about the sticky stuff…money, religion, sex, politics, family, children, expectations, deal breakers, porn, insecurities, needs, you even have to talk about how you talk about stuff. 

You have to have survived a couple of arguments without resentment before getting married. You have to know how to argue effectively, mind you I said argue, not fight. They are two very different things. If you never argued before you married, how in the world do you know what to expect? Could your future spouse be an insult hurling beast, or someone who shuts down completely at the mere raise in tone? 

Most importantly, can you live with that for the rest of your life? Can you see yourself happy in the next 10 minutes? 10 months? 10 years? Did you honestly look that far into it before you got married? Really? 

And don’t get me started on those people that marry expecting things to change once there is a marriage certificate. They may as well of had Santa Clause officiating and the Easter Bunny as the ring bearer. 

Now I’m not a believer in “soul mates” - I think that terminology brings about unrealistic expectations - but statements like you question, minus the “soul mates” and substituting “happily married couples” are true. 

No one is a perfect match. Perfection does not exist. People who are put on pedestals are bound to get knocked off of them. Compromise does exist though - and the couples that make it are the ones who went into their marriage knowing all the gory fault details of the other along with all the great stuff, and are ok with it. They have honestly weighed the pros and cons and chose to embrace differences and not challenge or push to change them. They didn’t ignore them, they addressed them, dealt with it - and came to terms with their partner as a whole. 

Bad times happen, it’s life - it’s messy. Married couples who enter into their life together who have a strong foundation, when things happen, bind together to make it through, those who have a weak foundation, start laying blame, blame turns to resentment, resentment turns to apathy…it’s easier to blame than to deal. Also due to the boom in social networking sites and electronic communication, it’s easier to talk to a stranger than your own spouse…leading to the inevitable…a perfect stranger is going to be a lot more understanding than your spouse will ever be 100% of the time because they are never told the whole truth. 

The other key to a healthy lasting marriage, is CONTINUED communication, assumptions can never be made on what your partner, thinks, feels, sees, hears, etc…every day some sort of “marital maintenance” needs to happen - from a simple hug and kiss to a conversation about an issue (there is ALWAYS going to be something). Far too many people end up on auto pilot and think everything is just fine, just because there isn’t a fight about something brewing. They exist between disagreements that never truly get resolved. 

Most people who are getting divorced, once the raw emotion isn’t ruling the show, if they sit down and really analyze their relationship they can figure out where it took it’s turn for the worst. However recognizing it instead of preventing it in the first place, doesn’t lend to being resentful of the spouse that just can’t live like that anymore and doesn’t want to try….they have the right to divorce. Marriage shouldn’t feel like a prison to one or both of the people in it - that isn’t a marriage - and you shouldn’t be forced to stay somewhere you don’t want to.