I'm seeing someone else... but, I'm still married.  

Jonas, unfortunately many of us on this site have been on the wrong end of infidelity in a marriage, so you'll get some strong opinions.  Personally, all moral judgements aside, I think it just complicates things way too much when you introduce a third person to the situation.  When that person is also in the process of getting divorced, look out!

But I feel for your unhappiness.  I urge you to seek counseling for yourself, to help you work through these issues before you do anything irrevocable.  I don't know you or the details of your life, but your wife sounds ill and in need of your help and sympathy.  I hope you can at least stand by her until she is well enough not to abuse you or your children.

Thanks again everyone for posting.

Frankly, I don't condone my actions in this situation, either. 

At the same time, I've been in an abusive relationship for over a decade.  I've tried for over 10 years to get her to go to therapy, and she wasn't interested in getting better.  Finally and suddenly she is.  Maybe she senses that I'm getting ready to pull the plug, and is finally seeking help as a way to keep me around.  I just don't know. 

Of my own accord, I've told the other girl that we should hit "pause" on our thing, until both of us are through this tough time (she's going through a divorce as well).  She understood.  We still talk; I think more than anything, we both need someone to talk about the tough times we're going through. 

I still love my wife.  It's just, even after therapy and the mood swings and violence stop, our personalities never really clicked.  Relationships are complicated; there were certain things we did well, and others we didn't and don't do well.  Agreeing on practical things which keep a relationship working, unfortunately, are typically things we don't agree upon. 

Anyhow.  Thanks again for everyone's insights.  I appreciate it. 

You married her and had a child and now all you are doing is making excuses to be with another cheater, you both deserve each other and I am sure your wife and child will be better off without a selfish person like you in their lives...Just remember you are going to hurt alot more people than you could imagine and hopefully one day you will take responsibility for your actions...and just remember...what comes around goes around...

I have to reply to this post.  I understand you are not happy for various reasons, but I still stick to my feelings that I had even back to when I was much, much younger before I was married......if you are unhappy GET OUT of the marriage.  Have the strength to leave instead of having an affair and hurting the people around you much more than if you just got a divorce.  My ex cheated on me and it was horrifying.  There is no reason to cheat on anyone.  If you are unhappy and want a new relationship than get out and start one.  The damage from one cheating is way too great and it is not fair to put anyone through that no matter what.

Jonas, I think this is great for you.  I am on the other side of your situation.  Life goes on and you move on, nothing is really permanent.  Marriage is very unnatural.  Your wife may be happier when you all separate.  She may need to step aside and look at herself.  I am trying to get my own life straight as I had been living a fantasy, thinking things were "all right" and shoving problems and his cheating under the rug without really opening up.  I'm energized about finding myself again, enjoying life again, and not having to worry about what time he will come back tonight, where he went, or why he doesn't answer his cell phone?  That's the kind of s___ I can do without, marriage for me is hell, for him, eating cake and having ice cream on the side.  I have not separated or divorced yet, but look forward to it.

Shy, your not only rude, but obviously cant understand what you read. I specifically said I don't condone what he's done and sided with his wife.

And yes, I absolutely will not read anything you post here.

this has been awhile and what i went though was hard on me.this is what this site is for to express yourself!if he didnt want all this feed back ,than why did he come on here????asim u sound like he is the vit.i feel for his wife and kids.i have one of my own.iam not a cruel person and im honest about what i say.oh but yes women cheaters are the same way,trust me i do the same too.maybe u dont agree with me,thats fine.but maybe i shoudnt called him that,but if it fits!dont like what i got to say than dont read it.peace out

Sorry pressed the wrong button.
What I was gonna say, is that you need to stand by your wife and help her get through this for the sake of your children. Women can recover from these illnesses but they need support. Be strong and help her, your children need their mom. They need both of you right now and in the future. Let her get well and then move on. Finding this out about you might lead her to suicide if shes that bad and your children will never forgive you.

Well I don't condone the cheating at all but the name calling is completely unnecessary. I have read of women her who are the cheaters and no one has attacked them like this.
Shy , I know your hurt but we all come here to express ourselves to say things we cant to others, to let things out and off our chest.
When I read post that I don't agree with I just don't comment.  That type of attack is completely not necessary.

Jonas I think you need to help your wife through this illness, y becuase it will

Well I don't think that was called for.....I can't encourage this relationship either but this is his choice. I hope you learn a lot while you are on this site. Open your mind to what has happened. By going to the other woman you have just made your life a little more tougher. And now that you explained more I'm really worried about your child.

yes i do have strong feelings about this 5babemom.i have had my marriage broken up cause of a sorry cheating ex.i know what it feels like to be hurt.it just made me a very stronger woman.jonas if u didnt want your wife to know,why did u come on 360?cause i tell u why ,u know she isnt dumb.your wife will find out.just because shes sick u dont have to use it against her.dont make it seem like she cant take care of her child.u must not care ,cause u leave your child home while daddy goes play.u will get it back times 666.your not whorth it,cause u are a  DOGGGGGGGGGGGGG.EXCUSES!!!!!!!!!

I'm afraid that I can't condone your 'friendship' with this woman outside of your marriage...not because I don't sympathize with your situation, but because I've been on the wrong end of a cheating relationship.  If there is a way to put this 'friend' on hold until your situation with your wife changes one way or the other and you are able to divorce, I believe that's the right way to go.  If your friend is as great as you say she is, she'll support you in this and back off until you're able to see her out in the open.

Being in an unhappy marriage is the pits - but leaving when your wife is unstable and needs your support the most is not a particularly attractive trait.   And for what it's worth....this is just my opinion.  I'm certainly not in the best spot to be judging - and my view are very biased in this area. 
I truly hope you can find a happy solution to your dilemma and I wish you well.

to "itmustbeme" - the job I have involves a lot of travel.  I'm not in a position to find a job which doesn't have as much.  So, if and when we do split, I won't be able to take full time custody.  She'll have to, at least for the foreseeable future. 

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the comments, both the ones of support and the challenging ones.

The situation is this: my wife is mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I hesitate to leave too much information in my posts for fear of her linking this to me, and going off the handle.

She's in therapy now, and is sort-of getting better.  But the mood swings, and the violence, still occur.  I'm scared to death that if I leave, our child will become the punching bag for her outbursts. 

I have to give her some time for the therapy to work.  Unfortunately during that time I have to keep up the charade of us still "working things out".  If I bail now, she'll stop going to therapy, and that puts my child at risk.  So, its a waiting game.

In the meantime, I've found someone else.  I certainly wasn't out there looking.  It just sort of happened...

So, that's the dilemma.  Hope that provides a little bit of clarity on the situation.  I still am not trying to justify cheating on my wife; I know its wrong, and I'm really not happy about it.  Things just aren't where I can walk away from them right now, without causing more damage.  Right now, I cause less damage by staying. 

Wow...shy  ...you have some stong feeings about this...

Jonas, I think it's good to vent..most women will not support you on this, especially the beautiful and great sex part.

Make your choice.  If you're as caring as you sound in your journal, then you won't be able to live with the guilt of deception.  Eventually you  will get caught and will have no chance to get custody of your kids.  You wull always look like a loser in your kids eyes if/when this comes out.  Maybe your wife would actually be less angry and happier if you were divorced.  Who knows. 

Dump the girlfriend or fess up..you can't have it both ways.  Be a big boy and take responsibilty.

I can't stand my stbx, and would actually be THRILLED if he found someone!  Perhaps she feels the same.

u have a disabled child too!the judge will have a good time with u!if u are that unhappy,tell her its over and u are seeing someone else.cause it will come out in court.your wife can get your little girl friend too!for breaking up her home.ask any lawyer.u must not be too worried about your kid ,to be out sneaking around!your just like a man

well !I GOT ONE WORD FOR U!ASS!thats the reason now why women are the way they are.guys like u and bitches like u date and cheat with.how dare u !just because your wife is going through mood swings doesnt give u the right to cheat on her.if u really love her ,why would u cheat on your wife?the thing your with now just mite dump u and than what?shes still with her boy!and still lives with him.true her boyfriend mite know about u,but i bet money he can still get her in bed.how dumb are u?u better think about what your doing,cause your wife can get half of everything plus your 401k and u will pay childsuppt and alimony on top of that.trust me u will get caught and your wife will find out. your just a dog in heat over a piece of p***********sy!

I agree with "itmustbe me" .   If your wife is truly unstable, you need to consider seeking custody in a divorce/

....."I can't leave, knowing that she could substitute our kids for me as the target for her anger.".....

I'm not going to comment on the affair. What I am going to say is that if she is this incredibly unstable why on earth would you even concider leaving your children with her instead of trying to get custody? Seems odd that you think leaving her means you have to leave your children too.....

I'm sorry after I reread my previous statement I realize I was judgemental. I realize you are in a unhappy marriage and your probably under a lot of stress. But when you brought up the other woman and commented that the sex was phenomenal it struck on a bad nerve. Be careful that it is not just a passing fancy and you get hooked on something that is not real. Another person should have commented on this and not me. I'm sorry that you are not getting what you need in your marriage. And I truly hope for the best that you find your happiness but, rushing into another one before deciding on the marriage is usually not a good start for a new relationship.

I'm sorry but your situation will probably continue to get worse if you don't stop and rethink your situation. Maybe I'm missing something here but you have a disabled child and you are having an affair? I dont want to judge you on this but whats the deal?