I'm seeing someone else... but, I'm still married.  

Watch the movie "Fireproof" before you do anything!

Ok, you are unhappy in your marriage I get it, and your wife is mentally ill and needs to get help. This does not give you the right to go and vent your problems by sleeping with another! Do you really think this will make your life easier? Of course you do because you are only thinking about yourself! You think you are thinking about your wife and your kids but you are not, if you were you would have talked your wife into getting help along time ago and gave her an ultimatum that if she didn't and things were not going to get better between the two of you than you would have to make arrangements for separation or divorce, and then she may have understood and agreed to get help. But NO, you had to cheat! You cheated!!! I'm sorry, no matter how hard things can be, no one has the right to destroy someone else's self-esteem, trust, love, and life for a good screw and just the thought that this is the better life!

Believe me hopping into another relationship when you are still in one is bad news. The new relationship can never truly prosper thanks to all  the baggage you brought along.  And to make matters worse your "new and improved" partner has unfinished business as well. What about your kids? What kind of example are you setting for them? If you find someone who is a super model and the sex is incredible it's OK to walk out cause now your onto something better? I love how it is always the spouses fault for the cheating. How they lack as a life partner so really you had no choice but to step outside the marriage.

its only fair to get a divorce first you owe it to yourself yourwife and your kids..come on guy..

i am totally in shock u are stating your wife has mental illlness? And u are concerned about the children but yet u

are out their having an affair with someone who is using u

to get through a rough spell aswell , wow i am not one
on labelling and futhermore, just because she has a mental illness does not make her a unfit parent please ...mental illness is no longer taboo are u looking for a scapegoat if so then i suggest u both gather your money and find a little love nest and enjoy omg if u didnt have the other women in your life where would u be,,,,, think about that

Shame on you, I don't think you have a clue to what this is going to do to your wife. You need to stop seeing this other person, until you end your marriage. If you are not happy then get out. Men like you make me sick. Sure have your cake and eat it too...and blame the wife for everything...regardless to what she may be going through, did you ever stop to think that you might be part of the problem.??  Maybe she senses that you are up to no good? Maybe she feel like you don't listen to her anymore and why would you??? You have moved on.... but you forgot to tell her.
I feel bad for her...already.

I have to agree if you're both that unahppy.just be done with it.Why cheat?? why put everyone thru hell for your selfishness!!!!Just divorce and the it can be all about you,like it seems as if it always was! No sympathy here!!

I have to agree if you're both that unahppy.just be done with it.Why cheat?? why put everyone thru hell for your selfishness!!!!Just divorce and the it can be all about you,like it seems as if it always was! No sympathy here!!

it sounds like your wife is Bi-Polar, and should see medical help, she should not be left with the kids till this is under control.  

I think the three preceeding comments pertty well cover my sentiments. I've been a roomate, not a husband, for many years now, and renewed an old frendship with a woman I had a crush on some 20 years ago (when we first met). I think much the same as you, but without the physical (never tried, as meteor did, as I knew what the result would be). I needed someone who wouldn't get argumentative at the drop of a hat to talk with, confide in, etc. And she was instrumental in keeping me from filing for divorce several months ago.

My thoughts are that you should get rid of the physical part of your relationship with your girlfriend. If she really cares, that'll be OK and you'll still have her as a (hopefully trusted) friend while you work through this. I know she's probably not rooting for you to stay married, but I hope you don't discount that as a possibility until you're sure you've done everything you can to make it work. Otherwise, there will be regrets down the road when you look back at your life (especially with kids involved). Trust me on this as I've "been there, done that" (I'm on #3 at the moment).

And good luck with the doctor finding something that can be done for the mood swings. Unfortunately, if your wife needs a drug to solve that problem, she is the one who has to take it. Mine won't consider any "maintenance" drugs (everything she's tried, even stuff with virtually no reported side effects, has an unacceptable side effect...go figure!).

All the best moving forward in your life!

hi there, I bet this post hasn't helped that much for you as so many people have so different and strong thoughts about it. Even though i don't think that you need to hear anyone elses babble i wanted to tell you that no matter what you decided and what you do there is always someone that cares for you and will be here for you. I may be young but i have been threw so much in my life i cant even begin to tell you. I do think that you need someone to talk to, much as have i in the past year but like you i met this guy that really helped me get threw life, he was divorced and made me feel like it was ok to feel the way i did. However i knew that we really couldn't start a relationship based on what or how we came about to each other. I would be to worried that he wouldn't trust me anymore or use it when ever we fought. Unlike you i am and was separated (still live together because of $) still it wasn't right. I hope that you can take a step back like i did and see that its ok to let go of your marriage and move on in an open and healthy way. With out knowing the full situation of your wife i cant say what she would or wouldn't do, but i can tell you that if she does have any medical issues getting your kids out of that situation is probably the best for you. They way i had to finally look at it is that you are not doing your children any favors by staying in a unhealthy and unhappy marriage. Close your eyes and think of what your kids see, is that the picture you want them to think of when they think of marriage? Then also imagine what they will think if they knew you cheated on their mom... she will no longer be the bad person it will be you for making a bad decision. I know with out even knowing you that you love those kids and more then anything care what they think so please don't give them any reason to doubt that. If you ever want to talk to someone that is and has been there feel free to message me. I am alot more open and see things from both sides.

Wow.  just reading the comments left for you has been an education for me.  I had to leave a comment letting you know that I, too, sympathize with your situation.  I know what it is like to feel trapped in an unhappy marriage.  That other person offers fun and affection and makes you feel so alive...but I have to agree with everyone here who advises staying away from her or at least ending the physical aspect for now.  You wrote that your girlfriend is also in a bad marriage.  It sounds like you need each other to talk to more than anything else.  Believe me, I sympathize.  I never thought that I would feel so lonely and starved for affection while married.  That makes another person, especially one who understands your situation, look awfully attractive.  Right now you need to focus on what exactly it is that you want to do next and how you can best look out for your children.  If the other lady is a special as you think she is, it might be worth waiting for.
Reading all of the stories from people who have been cheated on makes me glad that my male friend and I never crossed that line.  Not because I am so moral, either.  I tried to kiss him and he told me to go home and work things out with my husband!  I felt like an idiot, but I respect him for it.

I can see that so many people have experienced the other side of cheating here, that they cannot be supportive of the writer in any fashion.

I do believe that there are many forms of cheating .. some are serial cheaters who are narcissitic, others fall in love accidentally and there are some who do it to truly survive a really terrible marriage.  

 

Reading his comments makes it sound like he has been in a terrible marriage and has found a temporary haven .. granted, not a real solution at all .. I agree that he needs to suspend things.   I also understand his fear that if he leaves, his kids may feel the wrath.  However, he should recognize, that if his wife is truly as unstable as he implies, she probably is very difficult on the kids, when he is not there (at work).   Perhaps he should get on a more honest path and seek custody (?)

Not reading what your writing!

asim i do understand what i read!no im not rude and i know u sided with his wife.im not the only person who feels this way.if thats how u feel,dont read it!u have that right.im sorry if u took it the wrong way.i didnt mean to upset u.i can say im sorry,but,iam not rude.

did u ever ask your wife why she is unhappy that makes her snap at every thing what would you do or say if you found out she was having an affair your new found happeness would not last for the simpel reason you are living a lie you both have to much baggage when its new its fun but what is there after fun, when you grt married andd have kid you are a family man you do whats right for your family please help you wife spend time with you children rebild your family,get over that fazz you can make thing right again

The other woman is just causing confusion at this point. Any time with her or conversations with her only confuse you. I understand where you are and how you feel. If she is truly as you say then the kids will not benefit from your charade. I saw your post that she is in counseling. Have you been with her to be upfront about her behavior? Have you been on your own to tell the therapist what is going on?

You need to stop things with this other woman until things are settled with your wife. You are not even separated, which many in here would say is wrong to see someone else even then.
I don't agree with staying in an abusive situation at all. Stop seeing this other woman and try to help your wife. If she is unwilling to get help then you need to move on. To go to another woman is wrong. Typically , research would show that this other relationship won't be a long term one. But you need to try to help your wife which will also help your children, regardless if you stay or not.
 If you are afraid that she will turn her wrath on your kids if you leave then that is a good reason to try to get custody, but you will have to be able to prove it.If she finds out about your affair then you will be in a big mess. It is not worth the trouble.
Again..stop the affair..try to get your wife to counseling. If she refuses then I would separate.Talk to a lawyer before you do anything. If it is meant to be with this other woman then she will "wait" . My guess is that she won't..

Well, I can already tell that my reply isn't going to be a popular one, since I tend to disagree with most of the others...

While I don't condone cheating, I do know how important it is to a person's happiness to have companionship and partnership in life.  If you are not getting this in your marriage, I can understand your need to find it elsewhere.

I also sympathize with your feeling of being "stuck" in your current situation.  I myself do not have children, which has made coming to terms with my own impending divorce a bit easier.  I've come to realize that although it is a terribly sad situation, my husband and I will both be happier in the end.

In the process, I've developed strong feelings for a good friend of mine, also in an unhappy marriage, and he has for me as well.  We've done alot of talking (emotional cheating?), however we haven't crossed the line physically.  Although he and his wife have discussed divorce, he has 2 children and feels that he can not leave his marriage because he doesn't want to lose his kids - or any time with them.  We see each other as "hope" for something better some day, but also realize that the time for us to be together might never come. 

I don't think you need to end this new relationship, but possibly discontinue the physical cheating.  One thing that I do agree with from the other replies is that getting caught cheating will only complicate your current situation, and even your ability to get out of it.

I wish you luck and hope that you and your wife will both be happy at some point - together or separate.

Everytime I hear a story like yours, I have to laugh... "sorry", but do you know the odds of the two of you staying together after the "affair" blows up in your faces? Do you seriously think you're the only one who has been wooohooed by another pretty face? If she is cheating on her beloved, ( bad relationship or not) then, you're just next in line.... How can either of you ever trust each other when the whole reason you're together is all based on lies, and your problems in life, or in your relationship?

It's amazing when people keep thinking that these affairs ever turn out good. So far, I've not met too many people that go into the rainbow without shattering their families, children, and/or themselves... It's the same ole, same ole..

Where there is a will to cheat, there is always an excuse, or justification behind it.. The problem with affairs is... Nothing is real... It's all based on lies... Lying to everyone around you, as well as each other... You can't be honest with yourself if you have to lie to everyone you swore you loved, and promised to honor for the rest of your life, now can you?

If you were smart, ( which I know you aren't) you'd realize that this is not love, based on love, or will end up about love... In the end, it's going to make you sick to your stomach, make you hate yourself, and feel so much guilt that believe me, you'll not feel any love for her, or yourself, you're going to feel like a piece of crap... And, on top of all this -- so many others will disrespect you too... You'll lose everything you have today, and nobody will ever trust you in the same way they do today...

So..... before you destroy so many people.... Think long and hard about love, and what really constitutes love.. Be honest with your wife... She deserves you being honest with her, and be honest with yourself... Give it 3 months without this other woman to work on your marriage... I'm sorry, but IMO, you are making the biggest mistake of your life...

I feel for momof4 and am also on the other side of the cheating spectrum.  I have been through several cycles of upsets and makeups and the lying still continues - I have learned that this is an abusive cycle and need to do something about it.  If you really love your wife, you'd tell her about your other life.  She'll find out sooner or later and you'll be hurtin the whole family.  Don't you think it's best to open up about everything?  She's emotional and will need extra extra support by family, friends and professionals - give her a chance to overcome your break up if you are determined to divorce.  You don't want a lot of hate in your life.  It isn't fair for both of you to stay married.

I am sorry about being in a difficult marriage, however, from personal experiecne and being on the other side of the cheating spectrum....being cheated on, it is not fair. This itself is abuse. If you were really trying, as you claim, in your marriage, you wouldn't have a girlfriend. You need to tidy things up at home and figure out what is best for you and your family before bringing other people into your personal drama. You say you have been in a abusive relationship for 10 years. My question is WHY??? How old are your children, under 10? If so, why did you add innconcent children to a bad situation. It sounds like to me, you want to find excuses for yourself to excuse your behavior that you know yourself is unexcusable. What happens when the newness runs out and the excitment of cheating ends? Will your new fling be your new abusive relationship that will be your excuse for your next affair? Stop the affair, clean up your business at home. She is the mother of your children and you did marry her, so at least give her the respect she deserves. If a divorce is the answer, (now the trust is broken in already bad situation) who do have to blame but yourself. The children seem to be on the backburner when you crossed the line. You may find that your wife given the chance to be away from you, will grow and become an undepressed person that will enjoy life for herself and your children without someone like you in her life abusing her. Yes an affair is abuse to the person who trusts, loves and believes in you. It sounds like you need to do some deep soul searching. Side note...my ex married his fling..she is misearble being married to him and he is the new abusive man in her life. (that was her excuse for her affair with my husband then, her husband was abusive and she needed someone to lean on and my husband just happened to be there) She is now having an affair with one of his colleuges that " understands" her and is now planning on leaving him.  Full circle.

hello jonas, my heart goes out to you, this is a complex situation, ur choice to stay or leave, both carry so much pain, i dont know if selfishness & respect & responsiblity & vows are the right things to throw at you..if we talk about the moral aspect of it all..you totally agree with everyone here, so giving you advice on this is hard, & to be frankly honest Jonas you already know what you have to do, sometimes all we need is a chance to air our thoughts and feelings, for some reason...lol that seems to lighten & make more clear the choice we have to make or live with...if you dont mind, here is what i would like to offer you..sit down & right out whats important to you..include the warefare of your wife( its interesting you said you still love her, if you didnt you wouldnt be there, & we wouldnt be talking to you here) the welfare of ur children, and last but not lease the your own personal welfare, take the top 2 or 3 listing from ea list & see how they compare....I trust that you will do the right thing...as far telling ur wife about ur secret alternate life style...thats really up to you, you know her better than any one of us, so tell her when you think its best to do so, I have confidence in you that you will tell her, i can hear it in your words, i bet if you could rt now you would, but you have weighed everything out and you know its not the right time..i hope that you can clear this matter up soon...and i hope you dont mind me saying, but i hope you can patch your marriage up, however once she learns of your affair & your marriage already has been hard, she will see how bad she has treated you, and she will be overwhelmed,she may just give up, and not want to fight 4 marriage, u will be crushed by that, trust me, that pain u have not felt yetit grapples the soul and hurts like heil..please try to do what it takes to make this work now, if it not meant to be,aftr she gets help, then take the steps to end this pain, try not to add more pain on top of it....

Now what is that verse??  Oh yeah ----

 Judge not less ye be judged. Matthew 7:1

If this were me - I would hope people would not only judge me but also whump me upside the head.  Life is hard - things don't work out like we want.  So you decide ---  do you want chicken shit in your life or chicken salad?  I would go for the chicken salad.  It is VERY scary to deal with a spouse who has emotional/mental issues coupled with abusive tendencies.  I saw that way too often when I worked with families in my social work practice.  Death threats & attempts of murder were common.  So I am in NO way making light of your situation.  What I am doing is suggesting you take a serious look at what you are doing.  You are not doing your child any favors by staying in this situation.  I would seek legal counsel asap & look for sole custody.  IF your wife is as awful as you say she is - it is child abuse on your part if you willingly leave your child in her care. 

It is a terrible situation you are in and I  truly  do feel for you.  But escaping into the arms of another isn't going to solve your problems - but make them worse exponentially.  I don't think you want that.  IF this is the real deal with the other woman - then she will be willing to wait until you are truly free to love her.  I think you will feel better if you are free of the guilt too.  Plus not having to worry about your wife finding out would lessen your burden considerably.  The fact of the matter is - you are  not free right now.  You can fix that.  You can save your child and you can save yourself.  You need to let that be your only focus.  Your wife's issues will have to resolve with her therapist.  She cannot be your burden.  You can be a man with honor and dignity and do the right thing! 

Let us know how it is going.  We all

Jonas; I hope everythings goes well.  Will your kids be okay?  Why don't you be honest with your wife so she can get on planning her life and prepare to get additional support because she'll really need it with those kids?  Wives need honesty and they can smell lies.