And I thought I was the greatest thing going....
How Did You Meet?
Describe your marriage before the problem.
Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.
The first time was when I came home from work one day about 10 yrs ago and he said he was "bored with me, bored with sex (with me), with his life with me...blah, blah, blah. Said he thought we should get divorced, I was hurt and shocked.. by now we had a house, a dog, etc. Our lives were so intertwined. We were having a rough patch and had been arguing...I had thought we would talk our differences out. How could he not be happy with our life together? We always had so much fun together...yes, the initial crazy passion changed which happens to everyone once your married a few years I thought, right? We somehow got past that horrible day and carried on as usual for awhile. But things were heading into some weird area...and in hindsight, we should have went for counseling. I thought we could get past the problems simply by talking them out - I thought wrong.
Anyhow, we patched things up and carried on. Little did I know he had decided then that in his mind, he wasn't really "married"......so he basically did whatever the hell he wanted - had friends over all the time to rehearse in the basement studio (which is why we were having the rough patch to begin with!). Then when he got bored with that he turned to photography, started out with wildlife then decided to really makes things difficult for me by becoming a "glamour" photographer, then he became a "fetish" photographer and he would bring strangers and assorted weirdos/misfits into "his home studio". I shrugged it all off....but realize now I was the biggest asshole of all to put up with all his crap for so long.
After he had bariatric surgery a few years ago (which my health insurance paid for!), there was a major personality change and that compounded the mid-life crisis he was having. He was spending a lot of money on his "toys" for the hobbies. We started having arguments about money and responsibilities. He didn't want to hear any of it....his response was always "if we're not happy, then we should get a divorce". We started doing less and less together....he started socializing with a new group of "friends" he was meeting through a new aspect of his hobby....the majority of whom were young females (he was doing "glamour photography" which progessed into other areas I was never comfortable with. I was now really on the outskirts of his life...why was I hanging on? I don't really know...I thought I loved him and hoped this would all just "bore" him and that somehow I would come back into "focus" for him.
I realize now that he has serious mental issues, bi-polar and narcissistic personality at the top of the list!
And to think, if I had only divorced him 4 yrs ago....things would be so different. Now I sit here trying not to get foreclosed on with no savings left at all. And he is in therapy, because he is having "such a hard time dealing with this". Please, spare me the bullshit!
What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?
I put up a wall to protect myself emotionally from the rejection and basically stuck my head in the sand. I confided in no one about how I was feeling so humiliated and rejected by him all the years this stuff was going on. He carried on doing whatever he felt like doing and it became "him" and "me". Everything that had to with family or friends that involved us doing something together became a hassle for him. He had always complimented me on my intelligence, always told me how beautiful I was...now it was nothing but subtle put-downs.
He was now always cranky about things, there was no more silliness or spontaneity or loving exchanges between us. It was like walking a minefield. Exhausting mentally. For the last few years, ignored the occassional verbal nastiness until the day that I finally had enough of it. It was so obvious that he was egging me on with his nasty attitude and snide comments which forced me to confront him and ask him to tell me what was going on... time to get my head out of the sand. I knew what was coming next....although I still didn't want to believe it....
I got the "I love you...but I'm not in love with you" line. Says he is not cheating on me...maybe not physically but I know he is/has been definitely emotionally cheating...
I had reached the point where I just couldn't take the pain of what our relationship had evolved into....so I agreed that if he felt he didn't love me anymore and that if he didn't want to try counseling (I think I was just going through the motions), then we should proceed with a divorce. Both of us cried...
If you're not yet divorced, what is your greatest fear?
If you're not yet divorced, what two tips would you share with others?
If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?
If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?
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