My Story ::  theduke

How Did You Meet?

She was a friend of my family.  We met when I was on leave to attend my Grandmother's funeral (bad omen?) We hung out with family, going to movies and gatherings.  She was from the suburbs of California, I am from the backwoods of Mississippi.  There was something of a spark and we became closer under the strenuous conditions of my frequent deployments.  We "dated" for two years before we decided on marriage.  I think we both thought each was the only one that would ever think about being in a relationship with the other.  We were both emotionally scarred from low self esteem issues and bad past relationships.  I put her on a pedestal, ignoring emotional baggage thinking that I could help her come out of her shell.        

Describe your marriage before the problem.

Our marriage, from an outside perspective, was loving, caring, and sacrificing.  But I was always bored, mostly emotionally.  I'm a very emotional Alpha male.  Figure that one out.  I've held out as long as I have because of the deeply engrained Christian ideal of what a marriage should be.  Despite what I've always wanted I believed that it was my duty to become someone who I'm not by creating this artificial life for the both of us.  If I felt doubts, it was only the devil trying to break apart what God created.  I am the type of person to suffer in silence and go along with the program so as not to create waves.  I am a physical person who is driven to improve life and accomplish whatever is put in front of me and then look for more.  I am, however, very introverted.  The wife that I know has goals of being a teacher, but is easily frustrated by outside factors and this causes tension in our everyday dealings with each other.  I'm very optimistic and can forget about my problems long enough to have a good time.  She takes out her problems on me, bringing up past mistakes.  This ends up sapping any energy I had in the first place to accomplish personal and professional goals and even saps my desire to work on the relationship.

Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.

I have many hobbies, too many hobbies to list, most of them entail being outdoors, sometimes miles from nowhere.  She has no hobbies, literally.  We do things like going to movies together in the midst of fighting over what movie to watch.  We go on trips to Disney World and to the theater and we always end up fighting over something insignificant.  The fights end when I apologize (even if it wasn't my fault) and we go back to mostly being silent because we are both introverts and have no common interests.  I am currently on a long deployment, have been away for almost a year with a couple weeks of leave somewhere in there.  We have a beautiful baby girl of seven months, who is the reason I was born.  I admire my wife for her strength and love in taking care of our baby alone.  However, I have been doing a lot of soul searching, realizing that I need to know who I am before I can have a successful relationship with any other human being.  I am asserting myself more, and taking the time I need to accomplish my goals.  I feel like myself again, however I feel very single.  I don't love my wife.  She doesn't feel like a friend to me.  If I were to go out and meet some friends to hang out with, she would not be the type I would look for.  Man, I am actually saying this.  It's about time.

What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?

I haven't done anything about it yet because I'm deployed and don't want to break the news over the phone, and I am concerned about the future of our daughter living under a broken marriage.

If you're not yet divorced, what is your greatest fear?

That my daughter will not have a complete life.  That my wife really loves me and will not take it well.

If you're not yet divorced, what two tips would you share with others?

Think long and hard before getting married.  Make a no BS list of what type of woman you want to marry.  I knew what type of woman I wanted, but I pushed that list aside thinking it was impossible.  I rushed into marriage just like I had rushed into most decisions in my early life.  Search your heart.  Who are you meant to be with...don't settle till you find her!    

If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?

If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?