My Story ::  selim

How Did You Meet?

In the drug store where I worked after school as a teen.  His mother worked there too and introduced us.

Describe your marriage before the problem.

There was ying and yang - lots of life struggle issues that we navigated together - sometimes one of us would just about be at the end of our rope but the other would take over and lead.  We had a child before wed given up for adoption.  We were very young and incredibly hard for me in particular (home for unwed mothers, etc. - scared - didn't want to give up baby.  Husband still in high school and had major seizure disorder.  In the 60' neither was accepted socially.  When we married in 69 we had a rented flat and the house burned down with everything in it.  Lost everything, but within 6 months were back on track.  Major issue was worked on 'control' for his seizures.  Later lost 2 babies and had 2 (now 33 and 23).  Always had jobs but had own business for 5 years.  It didn't work and set us back financially and emotionally for me. I had health problems and he saw me through.  In amongst all that we had vacations; fun; hard work together;  spent weekends at a trailer and relaxed and played.  Eventually that drive with a little one became stressful and we put a pool in at home.  Lost a lot of our social network then.  Husband perfectionist and his 'lists' in his head started to take over - always had to do something...fun lessened ....my job became more stressful.

Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.

About 3 years ago he started car pooling with a woman from work.  He said she talked too much and her husband was abusive.  When our daughter had major health problems, he wouldn't help out with her hospitalizations and home care.  He is a gov't employee and has 1 1/2 years of sick or family time available to him.  She was in terrible pain and eventually they realized she needed emergency surgery or  never be able to walk again.  She was not a great paitient but they said her pain was extreme and because the diagnosis was delayed she has lost 20% feeling in left leg; bladder and bowel other than that it is still wildly painful and she does not take the drugs well - they change her as does the chronic pain.  Many medications she is unable to take as well as she had an adverse reaction to them we discovered when she started having her own seizures at 9 years.  They are now under control and after 1 1/2 years she is back in University for 3 courses and is starting to move on to her very changed life.  During that time my mother (who had some dementia) developed uterine cancer and after 14 months (with home care/live-in care and myself she passed away as comfortably as she could.  He always loved my mother very much.  Same year his mother also had a heart attack.  When we were home together I started to here the car pooler's name repeatedly in the evenings.  Then he would bring home recipes and say they were better than ours.  Then I checked out our phone bill an found that he called her sometimes 15 x in a month when he travelled for at least 2 hours daily with her.  He also called her on his cell phone.  Then I checked our e-mail account.  Obviously he didn't know enough to erase his trail.  Maybe he thought he didn't have to as I NEVER looked at any of these things - privacy is part of my way of life.  This time I just thought I would be stupid not to check. 

What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?

I told him he had to stop taking this lady in the car pool.  That this was totally unacceptable and he should not be calling her.  He said no - she was a friend and he wouldn't stop.  He was definitely having an emotional affair with her and at least some touching.  He said that he felt it was a one man show at home and he had to do everything.  He was right about that - I was pretty much worn down and not available much for the shopping and cooking.  Sleeping in hospitals;  being up at nights; worrying, trying to keep a high stress job going.  I suggested if he would take some time and help with that we could work together on the home stuff.  He did not take time for his daughter.  One day only, I truly believe he wanted to continue to take his car pool lady to work and it was one heck of a lot easier.  I heard him when he said he was doing everything so I worked very hard to pick up more of the slack at home.  He hated it! Maybe I took away his excuse?

If you're not yet divorced, what is your greatest fear?

It is his decision to split - he says that if he can not live with lady, he has another in mind and that he won't and can't live alone.  I find myself so incredibly jealous that I am afraid I'll go insane and call or harass them, which is ridiculous and just make me out a shrew.  This is a man, that until 2 years ago, words like integrity, honestly, hard working and good provider totally discribed him.  I don't know who he is?  This is crazy.  We are still in the same house until it sells.  He is kind of cold - but then confides in me like a sister. He feels we'll both be in the same boat.  He is so wrong - at least he still has his job and his mother.  I lost my mother; my daughter became disabled; I will lose my home, I have no job in a really tough economy and I turned 60 last month.  I am mostly extremely uncertain of the future, I feel so very, very rootless.  I have known him for 45 years.

If you're not yet divorced, what two tips would you share with others?

Seek help.  Take care of yourself and try for collaborative separation.

After 40 years if he wants to give it up - make sure you get what you have to have including pensions, etc. 

If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?

If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?