My Story ::  PixieDust

How Did You Meet?

Online but he had gone to school with one of my close friends. He wasn't a complete stranger.

Describe your marriage before the problem.

We were silly, we were happy, we enjoyed each other's company, we always wanted to be around each other. We were the perfect couple to anyone that could see (to the extent that as ppl find out about the divorce, they all say the same thing "but you guys seemed so happy"...you never know what happens behind closed doors). We came from great families and had successful careers. We both had the same goals as far as the standard of living we wanted and the way we felt about one another. We were smitten.

Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.

It was eight months after the wedding. We had been fighting so much. I remember calling my sister, crying and telling her that I thought I had made a mistake. "Maybe marriage is just really not for me." My sister consoled with "the first year of marriage is hard". So we would make up and just continue living day-by-day. The honeymoon phase was over quick for us. Some days were magical, other days were excrutiating.

By year 2, we had become roommates. You can tell when someone in no longer interested. The affection stopped, the "I love you's" were on Auto-Play. He was going through the moves of a husband but they weren't genuine. I didn't want to admit it but it was true - love had come to an end. No matter what I did - sexually, domestically, anything, it was just not there. He had emotionally checked out.

For the remaining six months after that and before the divorce was final, there was only ONE happy moment and it was when we were on our 2nd year anniversary trip. We had the best time.  Three months later, he confessed to cheating and we were separated. It was the fastest divorce in history.

What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?

I can only speak on my behalf. I tried my hardest to please him in any way possible. In hindsight, I think he was simply unpleasable. Nothing I could have done would have made a difference because honestly I don't think he really accepted me for me from the get-go. He always "encouraged" me to go to the gym or read this or do that. Heck I would go as far to say that he probably never truly loved me. I'm sure he'd disagree but the way I see it "love is a decision" - if you decide that you love someone and will stick by them NO MATTER WHAT, it's forever. At least, that's what marriage means to me. You work at it until you are blue in the face because you made the decision to love. You made a pact. You said vows. I never go into something if it is not with all of me - mind, body and soul. I am not a quitter and the fact that he wanted to quit after just 2 years was mind blowing to me. Still, I worked at it. Even while we were separated, I still worked at it. We also tried counseling upon learning that he has been unfaithful but it just wasn't there. We divorced after 2.5 years of marriage. Thankfully, we did not have children.

If you're not yet divorced, what is your greatest fear?

If you're not yet divorced, what two tips would you share with others?

If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?

The adjustment. I had been so attached to him that I lost myself in the process. My friends were his friends, my life was his life. I was lost. Thankfully, my family and friends accepted me back in their arms - no resentment - and resurrected me back to normacy. Everything happened so fast that I had no chance to really let it all sink in. Also, he made the divorce process very difficult for me. The process literally took not even 2 months since we did not have children or anything of value to split -- he made sure to leave with a bang. Funny since he was the one that cheated AND wanted "out of the misery" as he put it. But as all cowards and folks that do not take responsibility for their actions do, they blame others. The entire failure was completely my fault. I'm sure his conscience was just eating him up inside and he just didn't know how to handle it. Needless to say, we are not on speaking terms. Funny, how you can share a bed with someone for 3 years and then act like complete strangers that never existed in your life.

If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?

I cannot give only two, here are my tips:

Never fall in love and lose yourself in the process.

Don't change unless it's for the better and do not neglect yourself... your family....your friends....your dreams...your beliefs....your desires. NEVER!

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS share the same faith with your spouse - it's hard to find common group when your beliefs are different.

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.

Never co-sign for a man.

You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone - DON'T FORGET THAT!

Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

The best is yet to come. <--AMEN! :)