My Story :: lori1

I Never Realized I would Waste Over 30 years of my life

How Did You Meet?

We met on a typical blind date. I had sworn off men for the time being. I was through with the bar scene and was just going to relax and stop pushing the relationship issue. He was good friends with my brothers brother in law and they had tried to set me up with him several times in the past. but it never worked out due to scheduling issues. I decided to go to just have a nice dinner of my choice. and that was it. He was the nicest person I had ever met. Polite, shy. not pushy and not all over me. We could talk and laugh. In fact on our first date I told him he could park in this poorly marked spot.(the curb was sort of painted red) and he got a ticket. When we came out of the restaurant he had a ticket on his truck....and he laughed. I found it quite refreshing. From that day on he called every day and came over regularly. He brought me little gifts and was thoughtful and caring.

Describe your marriage before the problem.

He never really asked me to marry him. We were on our way home from a weekend at Lake Tahoe and he began talking rings and wedding. I said whoa buster...you never asked. to marry me you are assuming I will. Well I did of course. We started dating in Sept and we were married by October the following year. He was starting a business with his dad and I was the only one bringing in income, but it was enough and we found cheap but fun ways to do things. I worked full time at another business and he worked with his dad. The only hitch was that he was younger than I was. He was just 21 and I was 24. I had several boyfriends before him....he was lets say inexperienced, but a fast learner. I thought we were having fun. Our first christmas was spend on our pull out couch running back and forth to the bathroom to do whatever since we both had a terrible case of the flu. We laughed about it for years. I wanted children right away...but he wanted to wait until he was ready. It was better to wait., but it was the hardest thing I thought I would ever have to do. Little did I know then. When the children came a boy and then a girl 5 years apart on purpose....things were fine except that he knew llittle about children. I had worked with kids my whole life and had nieces and nephews who were babies so I had no problem. But I thought he went with the flow and helped me with everything and never complained. And we always took time for ourselves. Special weekends or date nites alone or with friends.

Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.

7 years ago his father died and he fell apart. His dad left several nasty business deals incomplete and had not told anyone how they should be closed. They involved a lot of money, time and effort, and in this particular business, working in foreign countries, you don't always get the true answer.
To make a long story short he went into a deep depression. We went to Drs. and therapists for several years, He was still working at the time but only because I would kick his but out of bed and literally get him dressed. I supported his decisions, and relied on specially picked people to help him wiith hard decisions. But he traveled a lot and one day I found a love letter to another girl on his computer. I had gone through so many years of supporting him and worrying about him committing suicide and listening to him at therapy sessions....he wanted it to be better when he was seeing someone else. My daughter even battled depression because he was such a defeating presence in our home. I was taking care of two mentally ill people hoping that my daughter would graduate and be accepted into college and hoping that my husbund would not off himself or kill someone else with his truck. He became wreckless, silent at home, forgetful, uncaring, then verbally abusive to me and the kids. Eventually he began leaving home with his stuff claiming he was getting a divorce, but he always returned. He gave me ultimatums as to what and who I would have to accept in the marriage to make it work. I was also to keep my nose out of his business and it was a subject that we couldn't talk about. He could take calls about it at home and work whenever he said he needed, but I was not allowed to aske what he was doing. He finally ended up pushing me and I fell, called the police filed a report and changed the locks. He told me that he promised that he would see a therapist if I would write a letter to the DA saying that it would be better for him to be treated than be in jail. He never went. But I guess I did't even have to say that. Since then he has never come thought with anything for us. I have severe rehumatoid arthritis and cannot work. I live on 1500 a month and live with my son, his wife, my daughter, and a room renter. I have medicare now but it doesn't cover all my meds that really make a difference for me, He says he is trying to make a living....and never calls to see if we are all right. We have come close to loosing our house, had the electricity, phone, and water turned off at different times because we can't pay all the bills sometimes, Thats my present life in a nutshell.

What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?

When he pushed me down and blamed it on me, and I came to the realization that I could loose everything because of his business decisions, I filed for divorce. He said it was ok to do it for financial reasons because after all " marriage is just a piece of paper" It was never just a piece of paper to me or to him. I believed in those vows even now. I don't know if I have been a fool for 30 years or if his illness talks for him. He has picked a group of friends that I wouldn't be caught dead with. One was deported for human trafficking accross the border. Another was a con man. Another is a user who does everything for him because he gives him food, money and shelter.....nothing for his family, just this one friend. My divorce was final on April 1, 2009. It was a divorce by default...he never responed to anything. He didn't even know we were divorced until one of the kids told him a month later.

If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?

The hardest part of this whole thing is that I have no closure. No reasons for what he did or said. No clue as to what he thinks. To some point I believe that if he shows up at my door with a millon dollars says he is a success he expects me to jump into his arms. It was never about money for me. I would do anything for him. It is family that counts and he threw us all away and I don't know why. Just that he thinks its ok.

If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?

Let youself go through the stages of grief. It's like someone died. Don't rush everyone is different. Try to be civil if you can and get a decent lawyer.