My Story ::  kmac

How Did You Meet?

High School Sweethearts.  Married a year after HS. We were married for almost 21 years when we first seperated.  The divorce was final about 5 months before our 24th anniversary.

Describe your marriage before the problem.

Difficult to describe now...It's been six years since the seperation/divorce...the story I see when I look back on the marriage is totally different than the story that I thought was us during our marriage.  We were best friends and knew each other like no one else knew us.  Everyone thought we were the perfect couple with the perfect marriage, we looked in love, we were in love and trying to grow with each other as life went on.  We both loved our family and survived our set backs during the relationship until his sex addiction got way out of control. 

Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.

When I saw contempt, disrespect, and anger in his eyes all the time.  When he was never happy with anything I did and found fault in everything. When he told me he was tired of taking care of everyone else and wanted to be selfish and do what gave him the most pleasure in life...have sex and lots of it....swingers clubs etc.  When I look back at our pictures in the family photo album now I see just how strong his unhappiness in life was.  He looks so confused, miserable, and upset in all the photos he was in from about 1 year before the seperation.  I truly believe he was he battling his place in the world and trying to figure out where he fit in life.  I think he was going through that 'is this all there is to it?".  I say he was going through a huge midlife crisis which overly consumed him and led to an extreme state of his pornographic addiction taking hold of his life.  It became his obsession, his only thrill in life.  Me, I just became more and more depressed which only pulled us further apart and made him more angry.

What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?

I confronted him and asked him what was going on.  From there it was constant turmoil...back and forth with trying to save the relationship and determining that really only one of us was willing to work to save it and that I COULD NOT do it alone.  When I realized he was only out to protect himself and do what he wanted I filed for divorce and for the first time in our relationship we began fighting like cats and dogs.

If you're not yet divorced, what is your greatest fear?

I am divorced, but I can tell you my greatest fear was security and being able to take care of myself and children. That is still a great struggle.  My children are now all adults, but it has been hard to see them struggle because I did not have the security and home they needed as a safe haven.  They all felt the need to leave home and be on their own as soon as they became adults...I believe this is in large part because the family home dynamics was broken and there was such huge instability in our lives. I am currently attending college full time trying to make a better, more secure life for myself.  As a woman and a mother, I stood behind my husband as he made his way in the work world and established security in his/our financial life.  Once divorced, the financial security built up is all his...it doesn't carry over to me..I have to start from square one.  I spent my time being a mother and a wife and those skills do not translate to grand jobs with decent pay in the work world.  You have to put in the time to earn the increasing rate of pay, benefits and expertise.  After 20+ years he was able to walk away with that and do just fine....me on the other hand, well let's just say my standard of living has gone way, way down and is still a far cry from recovery.   

If you're not yet divorced, what two tips would you share with others?

If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?

The hardest part of divorce for me is knowing that my children do not have a stable home to come to.  That they have to see that marriage doesn't always work and that selfishness of a parent can override the committment to family. It was also very difficult to realize that the person I trusted more than anyone was the person who would betray me and use anything he could against me to get what he ultimately wanted, a divorce and freedom to do what he wanted, how he wanted.

If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?

1. Know that you will get through it, even with all the pain and grief. It will be hard, it may not be how you pictured your life, but you will survive and you will learn many things about yourself and others in the process.  The knowledge and experience you gain will be nothing you could ever learn by reading of others situations.  You will become a better person in the end (if you choose to forgive and move on) but it will be a circumstance of continual growth and reflection. 2. If at all possible, don't let your emotions override what is best for the children.   It is easy to get up in the emotion of the divorce and put the kids in the middle.  Don't let your kids 'be your friends' during this time.  I made a HUGE mistake by letting my kids be my best friends during the seperation and divorce.  They were teenagers and quite mature, but did not need to be in the role of child and friend.  Find someone else to talk to, don't let them see all of the pain and hurt you are experiencing.  They have so much of their own, don't let them carry the memory of yours as well.  Ultimately it needs to be as clean as possible for the sake of the kids to move forward with the least amount of scars possible.  I want to add a third tip....3.  Don't rush into another relationship.  You don't need to be involved with another person to feel important, loved, needed, worthy.  Focus on yourself and your kids and HEAL.  It takes a long time to heal, the longer the marriage, the more time needed.  Slow down and focus on family and friends.  Don't pull yourself into the complications of another relationship and the hurt that is compounded when it fails (because if you rush into it, it will).  Grow yourself alone before giving yourself to another person.