My Story ::  freeangel

How Did You Meet?

We were high school sweethearts.

Describe your marriage before the problem.

To be honest, there were myriad problems so it's hard to pinpoint. We had a long-distance relationship for seven years before getting married. We thought we knew each other but we didn't. After we got married, I didn't see him again for nine months. Despite the distance, it was blissful. We exchanged lots of e-mail, phone calls and letters. It seemed to just be a short-term sacrifice for a long-term gain.

Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.

Another woman bore his child nine months after we were married. That was the first time I realized he lacked the capacity to tell the truth or accept responsibility for his actions. Her pregnancy was her fault; he thought she was on the Pill. His cheating was my fault; if I were truly committed to him, I would have given up everything to move with him. That became the theme of our marriage: His lying and cheating was always the result of what I did or did not do.

What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?

After he cheated the first time, I was hurt and angry but I considered it to be a symptom of a larger issue so I delved deeply into unearthing that issue. Through therapy and self-discovery, I came to terms with the fact that he lied and cheated out of insecurity. I spent seven years trying to ensure he felt loved and secure. Another of our core issues was that he had no life skills and depended upon me to make all decisions and take all responsibility. So I worked hard to educate him, to teach about bills, credit-management, balancing checkbooks, and how to cook and budget. I thought that if he felt self-sufficient, he'd become more confident in our relationship.

Eventually, I realized that he was perpetually 15 and I was exhausted at parenting a teenager in an adult body. I was tired of having to explain why drugs and binge-drinking didn't fit into my reality. I was tired of apologizing for working multiple jobs to make ends meet. I was tired of him spending bill money on non-essential items. When it got to be too much, I ended things.

If you're not yet divorced, what is your greatest fear?

Our divorce is just about final, but I still find myself terrified that he's going to request spousal support. I will do whatever I have to, but it's hard for me to accept the idea that I might have to financially support a grown man who is capable of supporting himself.

If you're not yet divorced, what two tips would you share with others?

1. Plan ahead. Get a separate account to save money -- or have a friend store it for you. Get a credit card in your own name. Make sure you give yourself some independent financial resources just in case things get ugly.
2. Make sure divorce is truly what you want before you ever bring it up. The subject alone grows legs and walks off in its own direction and you can't control it. Once you make that step, you need to be in position where there is no option of looking back.

If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?

I still struggle with feelings of guilt, because I know I broke his heart. Though I feel like I gave him innumerable chances to change or at least to make our marriage a priority, he never believed I would leave his side. He truly thought that like his own mother, I would stand by him no matter what bad decisions he made. The hardest thing for me was accepting that even though I loved him, I had to love me more. He was dragging me down -- emotionally, physically and financially. I had to save myself.

If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?

1. Make a clean break. Don't sleep with each other after you split. Don't blur the lines in your new relationship. That's not fair to either of you.
2. Don't succumb to bitterness. Divorce is ugly and brings out the worst in everyone involved, but it's a temporary battle. When it's all said and done, there is no amount of money you could spend that isn't worth being free and happy. Just be glad that it's over.