My Story ::  EricaManfred

How Did You Meet?

We met through a personal ad in the Village Voice.  I met all my boyfriends that way.   I was 41 and he was 28.  He washed up on my stoop looking like Ratso Rizzo, he was a mess.  I was very very overweight and felt like no man would ever want me, he was pathologically shy, jobless, and needed a life..  I gave him a life.  He never forgave me.  Men hate women who rescue them.

Describe your marriage before the problem.

We were never exactly happy, but we were reasonably content for a long time.  We had a lot in common intellectually, but temperamentally we were opposites.  I'm an outrageous, free spirit type, he's very uptight, conventional, worried about what people think.  I took care  of everything, including him, while he was passive aggressive and helpless.  I resented having to do everything and treated him like a rebellious adolescent, nagged a lot.  He blew up at me all the time--was always furious.

Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.

I always knew we had a problem--SEX--I never wanted it and he did.  I thought there was something wrong with me, maybe I was just frigid or something.  I never realized that our marriage was more mother and son than  adult equals.  No wonder I wasn't turned on to him.   Then we adopted a baby and all hell broke loose.  We fought constantly.  Eventually  he told me he was in love with a co-worker and wanted to leave me.  

What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?

I tried for almost two years to save the marriage--dragged him from one marriage counselor to another, of course nothing worked because he was still seeing HER.   He was just paying lip service to saving the marriage because of our daughter.  He lied continually about the affair and eventually I got fed up and threw him out.  He couldn't leave fast enough.

If you're not yet divorced, what is your greatest fear?

If you're not yet divorced, what two tips would you share with others?

If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?

The hardest part was having to accept his girlfriend, who then became his wife, as my daughter's stepmother.  He pushed this woman down my throat right away.   He'd bring her to school events and then my daughter would have to run back and forth.  

If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?

Try not to focus on him or her and how he/she did you wrong (even though of course that's true) but  focus on yourself.  Do what you can to feel better, including allowing yourself to grieve.

Don't trash him or her to your kids.  This does more damage over the long run than anything else.